Could it be that I've turned a corner? Since New Year's I've felt a little differently about life. No, I'm not pregnant. I wish I were.
It's been 7 months since I lost Kara. I wake up in the morning and Kara is always on my mind. But instead of lingering in bed and crying or feeling that intense sadness, that desperation, I feel sad and get out of bed to make coffee. I get on with my day, knowing I will be sad and somehow accepting it. Coffee tastes good again. Reading a book is possible again. Working out feels good again. For the first time in 7 months, I actually enjoyed my work this week.
What does this mean for me? I struggle with having good days, worried that Kara will think I've forgotten, that somehow the lack of deep depression means that I'm over her loss. For 7 months, I've lived in hell. Every moment (waking or sleeping) has been lived through a haze of depression. Every thought was clouded by deep sadness and longing, a disbelief of my loss. Every word was uttered through a veil of childloss. My world is clouded gray with my loss. It has permeated every fiber of my being, my every word, my every thought, my every action.
Kara is foremost in my mind, every second of every day, but I've had a peaceful week and I hope it continues.
4 comments:
This means you are learning to live your new normal. It does not, and will not, mean you're forgetting your little girl. ((hugs))
(((Babette))) This is loss weaving into your life.. the two coexisting together. Laughing through tears, hurting through joy. Somehow, our brains do reorganize, and we find a way to survive. It's not the same as before. This is the "new normal". Kara will never think you forgot. You know you could never forget. You are finding a way to live in the world again. Feeling some joy or peace in that is not a bad thing. The guilt is hard at first, but there is no way anyone, especially you or Kara, could ever think you'd forgotten. It's changing you, all the time. The loss is part of you, and Kara will be reflected in you always and forever.
I still think of you and Kara all the time. I am glad to see you are finding the days gentler, and more enjoyable. This is a good thing.
Huge hugs,
Steph
I follow your blog and my heart was lifted to read your latest entry. I don't know you but I have worried about you and my heart breaks when I have read about your precious Kara. I lost my son when I was 23 weeks pregnant and many of your thoughts hit home for me.
I pray for more "easy" days ahead for you. It doesn't mean you have forgotten Kara, she will always be in your heart.
Colleen
Oh my friend, I am so glad to read your entry this morning. this is good. You deserve gentler days. Our girls know they are not forgotten. love, nancy
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