1st Beta HCG Levels - 477.8
Prog Levels - 47.21
I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!
I can't believe we got the BFP! I truly thought this would never happen to me again. Failure after failure and failure...and here we are. With one, possibly two babies on the way. I'm so excited and overwhelmed right now.
This is all I wanted - to please let me get on with starting my family. I have been through enough already. I'm ready to just skip this pregnancy and have my baby, please, thank you very much. I have struggled with IF for several years, failed with numerous IUI's, lost my full term baby after IVF#3, and 18 months, $100K and lots of grief and tears later, lo & behold IVF#8 works. I even have 3 frosties! YAY!
Now if I can just get through the next 9 months without losing my mind over every OB appointment. I'll never forget when we couldn't find Kara's heartbeat. I fear I'll never be able to walk into another OB appointment without my husband there with me.
We will get through this. I will get to hold a real, live baby at the end of this pregnancy. Please, God.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Reasons to be Thankful
Sometimes I get so focused on how fucked up my life has become, that I don't stop and appreciate those things to be thankful for. Despite the fact that I'm infertile and my child is dead, I do have to be thankful for the good things in my life. It keeps me sane.
As I head into another holiday season without my child, it's time I make that list again:
1. My daughter Kara. She taught me the true meaning of love. When the nurses placed her body in my arms, I thought I had never seen a more beautiful, perfect thing in my entire life. Her life and her death has taught me compassion, respect for life, love for family and countless other lessons. She was a blessing.
2. My husband. My rock. He has supported me 110% during my time of need. I have been a fragile 'mess' since losing Kara. Roaming around the house aimlessly, crying for days on end, and he has been there to support me and hold me up. He is amazing.
3. My family. As crazy as they are, they have been superb in supporting us in our grief and healing. My Dad stops at Kara's grave every time he visits (which still makes me cry with gratitude). My brother and his wife fed us for weeks after her loss. I couldn't even get off the couch, and they drove 1 hour each way to bring us meals. They cooked, cleaned and listened. They were amazing. My brother was the 'moderator' during my hospital stay. He made sure my parents read the stillbirth literature and knew what NOT to say to us. I love him so much. My mom - she's a bit crazy, but she means well. She has been amazing and supportive and I love her for it. She makes holiday decorations for Kara's gravesite and it's so touching that she puts so much thought into every holiday. And she has not once criticized me for my weight - which is amazing in and of itself.
4. My pregnancy. I cherish every kick, flip, hiccup, and somersault I ever felt. Kara was an amazing, stong little fighter and she kept me up many, many nights with her acrobatics. I miss her terribly. And I'm thankful I had the chance to hold her for her entire life. I am so lucky to have experienced pregnancy with her.
5. My job. I have bee a literal MESS this entire year and a half since she died. Any other company would have fired me a long time ago. Thankfully, I work from home and set my own travel schedule. I am able to 'hide' when I need to and work when I can. I am so thankful that I have this job, as much as it bores me, because I'm the only one working right now (DH is in school full time) and the economy sucks. We could be fucked if I lost my job too.
6. My husband's decision to sell his company. DH was CEO and a minority shareholder in an overseas company that he helped to build over 20 years. He traveled 80% of the time and we never saw each other. One month before Kara died, he sold his share to the majority partner and was free to go back to school for his EMBA. We didn't count on him being out of work the entire 2 years, but so far that's the way it's been. Of the money he made through the sale of the company, we've burned through 100K in IVF fees this year, $100K on DH's MBA tuition, and another $100K in his child support payments. We are running very low on money, but thankfully I'm working and he will be going back to work within 6 months. I am SO thankful that he was able to be home with me over the past 18 months. I would have died without him.
There are many other things I'm thankful for. But these are the ones I thank God for every night. It helps to keep me in touch with the reality that my life doesn't entirely suck. It sucks that Kara is not here with us. It sucks that I have to endure a minute without her. But I focus on the fact that I had her, that she was alive for 9 months, and that I am a better person for having known her.
As I head into another holiday season without my child, it's time I make that list again:
1. My daughter Kara. She taught me the true meaning of love. When the nurses placed her body in my arms, I thought I had never seen a more beautiful, perfect thing in my entire life. Her life and her death has taught me compassion, respect for life, love for family and countless other lessons. She was a blessing.
2. My husband. My rock. He has supported me 110% during my time of need. I have been a fragile 'mess' since losing Kara. Roaming around the house aimlessly, crying for days on end, and he has been there to support me and hold me up. He is amazing.
3. My family. As crazy as they are, they have been superb in supporting us in our grief and healing. My Dad stops at Kara's grave every time he visits (which still makes me cry with gratitude). My brother and his wife fed us for weeks after her loss. I couldn't even get off the couch, and they drove 1 hour each way to bring us meals. They cooked, cleaned and listened. They were amazing. My brother was the 'moderator' during my hospital stay. He made sure my parents read the stillbirth literature and knew what NOT to say to us. I love him so much. My mom - she's a bit crazy, but she means well. She has been amazing and supportive and I love her for it. She makes holiday decorations for Kara's gravesite and it's so touching that she puts so much thought into every holiday. And she has not once criticized me for my weight - which is amazing in and of itself.
4. My pregnancy. I cherish every kick, flip, hiccup, and somersault I ever felt. Kara was an amazing, stong little fighter and she kept me up many, many nights with her acrobatics. I miss her terribly. And I'm thankful I had the chance to hold her for her entire life. I am so lucky to have experienced pregnancy with her.
5. My job. I have bee a literal MESS this entire year and a half since she died. Any other company would have fired me a long time ago. Thankfully, I work from home and set my own travel schedule. I am able to 'hide' when I need to and work when I can. I am so thankful that I have this job, as much as it bores me, because I'm the only one working right now (DH is in school full time) and the economy sucks. We could be fucked if I lost my job too.
6. My husband's decision to sell his company. DH was CEO and a minority shareholder in an overseas company that he helped to build over 20 years. He traveled 80% of the time and we never saw each other. One month before Kara died, he sold his share to the majority partner and was free to go back to school for his EMBA. We didn't count on him being out of work the entire 2 years, but so far that's the way it's been. Of the money he made through the sale of the company, we've burned through 100K in IVF fees this year, $100K on DH's MBA tuition, and another $100K in his child support payments. We are running very low on money, but thankfully I'm working and he will be going back to work within 6 months. I am SO thankful that he was able to be home with me over the past 18 months. I would have died without him.
There are many other things I'm thankful for. But these are the ones I thank God for every night. It helps to keep me in touch with the reality that my life doesn't entirely suck. It sucks that Kara is not here with us. It sucks that I have to endure a minute without her. But I focus on the fact that I had her, that she was alive for 9 months, and that I am a better person for having known her.
4dp5dt
I am out of my mind with anticipation over this possible pregnancy. I SO BADLY want to pee on a stick, but I know it won't help my state of mind. I'm sure it's too early anyway. 4 days after a 5 day transfer? What the hell am I thinking?
I want this pregnancy so badly, that I'm terrified of a negative BETA on Monday. I have been in such a deep, dark, lonely place since Kara died 18 months ago, and I've only begun to start feeling good/okay in the last few weeks. What if it's negative? Will I go crashing down into that pit of despair once again? fuck. I've been on such a 'high' these past few days especially, that I'm sure the fall will be extremely painful. I think of IVF #5 back in Feb of this year. I was still emotionally raw from losing Kara, and probably too frail to endure the ups & downs of another IVF cycle, but that's neither here nor there. I was desperate to conceive and gladly entered the clinic's cycle every 3rd month. Anyway, we had (1) normal embryo and when the doctor called with the good news, I felt I was having an out of body experience - the joy was so intense. We transferred the (1) embryo and I went about my life, fully expecting for it to work. I was traveling to Upstate NY on the day of my BETA, and rec'd the phone call about 2 hours into my 5 hr trip. My BETA was negative. (I found out later that the embryo, while testing 'normal' after PGD, did not look like a high-quality embryo. I wish I would have ASKED on the day of transfer!!!!! I would have at least prepared me for failure.) I had to endure a meeting, lunch with a client, and another 2 hour ride to my hotel, after hearing the news. I remember getting inside my hotel room and literally falling apart. I sobbed uncontrollably and thoughts that went through my mind were of never being able to get pregnant again. Never having a live child. How could I live my life without children? I was inconsolable.
I never want to be in that place again. The feeling of hopelessness and anger at my own inability to conceive, was devastating. Combine all of this with the loss of my child, and I am extremely fragile. Maybe I'm not as fragile now as I was then. I don't know. I hope I'm stonger. I hope I'm able to weather that storm better than I was 10 months ago. All I know is, that I never want to go to that dark place again. I would rather be dead.
I keep thinking good thoughts. The little embryos inside of me were the highest-quality embryos possible. They were already hatching. They were perfect. I stayed on bed rest for 2 days after transfer, just to be sure. I haven't worked out or exerted myself one tiny bit. I just have to keep my head about me until next Monday.
I want this pregnancy so badly, that I'm terrified of a negative BETA on Monday. I have been in such a deep, dark, lonely place since Kara died 18 months ago, and I've only begun to start feeling good/okay in the last few weeks. What if it's negative? Will I go crashing down into that pit of despair once again? fuck. I've been on such a 'high' these past few days especially, that I'm sure the fall will be extremely painful. I think of IVF #5 back in Feb of this year. I was still emotionally raw from losing Kara, and probably too frail to endure the ups & downs of another IVF cycle, but that's neither here nor there. I was desperate to conceive and gladly entered the clinic's cycle every 3rd month. Anyway, we had (1) normal embryo and when the doctor called with the good news, I felt I was having an out of body experience - the joy was so intense. We transferred the (1) embryo and I went about my life, fully expecting for it to work. I was traveling to Upstate NY on the day of my BETA, and rec'd the phone call about 2 hours into my 5 hr trip. My BETA was negative. (I found out later that the embryo, while testing 'normal' after PGD, did not look like a high-quality embryo. I wish I would have ASKED on the day of transfer!!!!! I would have at least prepared me for failure.) I had to endure a meeting, lunch with a client, and another 2 hour ride to my hotel, after hearing the news. I remember getting inside my hotel room and literally falling apart. I sobbed uncontrollably and thoughts that went through my mind were of never being able to get pregnant again. Never having a live child. How could I live my life without children? I was inconsolable.
I never want to be in that place again. The feeling of hopelessness and anger at my own inability to conceive, was devastating. Combine all of this with the loss of my child, and I am extremely fragile. Maybe I'm not as fragile now as I was then. I don't know. I hope I'm stonger. I hope I'm able to weather that storm better than I was 10 months ago. All I know is, that I never want to go to that dark place again. I would rather be dead.
I keep thinking good thoughts. The little embryos inside of me were the highest-quality embryos possible. They were already hatching. They were perfect. I stayed on bed rest for 2 days after transfer, just to be sure. I haven't worked out or exerted myself one tiny bit. I just have to keep my head about me until next Monday.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Transfer Day!
I received a call from my RE early this morning ( I love him!). We have 6 'normal' eggs according to the PGD testing.
One is 'absolutely drop-dead gorgeous and should be transferred immediately.'
2 others were beautiful and were either ready for transfer or freezing.
The 3 remaining would be watched carefully over the weekend for growth and would be frozen if/when they were ready.
:::::drumroll please:::::::
We transferred twins - a boy and a girl! YAY!
We have one girl frozen and 3 more possibilities for freezing.
I'm so excited.
I've been laying in bed all day waiting for these little ones to implant.
I feel like I have a new lease on life. I know I still have to get to the LIVE baby part, but reward doesn't come without some risk. I really, really want a family of my own, and in order to achieve that, I have to try to have another baby. I don't think I could survive the death of another baby. I'm terrified. But I'm also hopeful, and that's something for someone who has been living in the dark cave of grief and sorrow for the past 17 months. I feel like I am out in the light, breathing fresh, clean air, feeling the weight lifted off of my shoulders.
1st BETA on Monday November 30th.
I just hope I don't pee on a stick before then.
One is 'absolutely drop-dead gorgeous and should be transferred immediately.'
2 others were beautiful and were either ready for transfer or freezing.
The 3 remaining would be watched carefully over the weekend for growth and would be frozen if/when they were ready.
:::::drumroll please:::::::
We transferred twins - a boy and a girl! YAY!
We have one girl frozen and 3 more possibilities for freezing.
I'm so excited.
I've been laying in bed all day waiting for these little ones to implant.
I feel like I have a new lease on life. I know I still have to get to the LIVE baby part, but reward doesn't come without some risk. I really, really want a family of my own, and in order to achieve that, I have to try to have another baby. I don't think I could survive the death of another baby. I'm terrified. But I'm also hopeful, and that's something for someone who has been living in the dark cave of grief and sorrow for the past 17 months. I feel like I am out in the light, breathing fresh, clean air, feeling the weight lifted off of my shoulders.
1st BETA on Monday November 30th.
I just hope I don't pee on a stick before then.
Monday, November 16, 2009
My Wonderful Donor
My donor went in for retrieval yesterday and we have 9 eggs. I'm very excited and feel so optimistic about this cycle. But I wanted to share something with you all.
I gave my nurse the gift basket with the card for the donor yesterday. This morning I opened up an email from my nurse who wanted to share an email from my donor. This is her email:
I am touched beyond words. I am full-on crying right now. Wow. I picked a real sweetheart.
I gave my nurse the gift basket with the card for the donor yesterday. This morning I opened up an email from my nurse who wanted to share an email from my donor. This is her email:
I just wanted to let you know that the recipient couple truly touched my heart today. I have always known why I was doing this, but this was the first time that somebody made it personal. I cried about their thoughtfulness before I even read their story and then I cried even harder. In a situation like this where I have been treated so anonymously it was nice to know that this couple was exactly the type of people I wanted to help and that I wasn't just someone in a profile. In all their devastation and desperation for a family they were still sweet and kind enough to think of me.
Several times I have brought up the topic of egg donation to people in attempts to get them to help others, most situations left me wondering why people were so hostile to the process of giving such a huge gift to those who were desperately in need of it. When there are so many people out there that are aborting their children or treating them like they were the biggest mistake of their lives, it is so unfortunate to think of such a deserving couple as this that honestly deserves a shot at happiness. I understand now how easy it would be to be a surrogate for such a wonderful couple.
My heart goes out to them and all they have endured. My children are the best thing that I have ever done. With everything I possess I will pray that they will receive the one thing they have been craving- the conception and delivery of a beautiful and healthy child.
By the way, the gift basket was wonderful. I love to eat sweets about as much as I love to make them. My kids always tell me how lucky they are that their mommy bakes all the time. I also love to give gifts far more than I like to receive them. (my boyfriend) said that it was like they knew me or that they were a lot like me- it was very fitting.
Please tell them that I wish them all the best.
I am touched beyond words. I am full-on crying right now. Wow. I picked a real sweetheart.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Sunday Retrieval
Tomorrow is retrieval day - yay! DH has an 8am date with a cup and I'll be accompanying him because I have nothing better to do than to obsess over m reproductive future. Miss DE will be there later in the day for her retrieval. We will not be crossing paths.
But I had an idea that I wanted to thank her for her time, effort and her commitment to this process, in addition to her oocytes. I want to express my thanks for the life-changing opportunity that she has given to me. In my view, $8,000 doesn't cover it. The injections, the weight gain, the mood swings, the retrieval, the donation itself. It's all simply overwhelming to me. I am awed by her decision to be a part of this process.
I feel I owe her a bit of personal gratitude. I would not feel right if I didn't somehow express myself in writing. How can I let her go in for the procedure tomorrow without knowing how grateful I am? So I ordered her a gift basket from a local bake shop and I'm enclosing a card.
Dear Ms. Wonderful,
I can't let you leave here today without expressing my deep gratitude for what you have given me. Without you, I felt I had no future.
My husband and I have been undergoing infertility treatments for 3 years in our earnest to start a family. 2 years ago, I conceived on my 3rd IVF attempt, but our precious daughter was born still at 38 weeks. Grief and sorrow have encompassed our lifes for the past 17 months as we have tried to piece together our lives while enduring 4 more IVF attempts. It has been a long, difficult road for us and I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the gift you have given us.
Thank you so very much.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Rescheduled and Update
I received an email from my Nurse today - retrieval will be Sunday or Monday - I'll know definitely tomorrow. And it looks like 8 follicles will be ready. Not 10. Not 9. 8. I feel like I paid for 30. But I'm trying not to be greedy or negative. I need to be satisfied with what I'm getting.
Let's hope we have a majority of PDG-healthy embryos.
So transfer is next Thursday or Friday, depending on retrieval.
Am I selfish for wanting more than 8? I wanted 15, really. That's what I thought I'd get. 8 makes me nervous. We paid a ton of money for this DE cycle. 8 is frightening when you consider the attrition rate after PGD testing (50%). Fuck. And DH is not working yet (still in graduate program) so we're running out of money. We spent over $100K on IVF since Kara died just 17 months ago. RIght about now I start worrying about money again, and the possibility of never having any children at all. 8 is just not enough for my comfort level. Fuck.
Wish me luck. Let's hope I at least get 6 healthy embies.
Let's hope we have a majority of PDG-healthy embryos.
So transfer is next Thursday or Friday, depending on retrieval.
Am I selfish for wanting more than 8? I wanted 15, really. That's what I thought I'd get. 8 makes me nervous. We paid a ton of money for this DE cycle. 8 is frightening when you consider the attrition rate after PGD testing (50%). Fuck. And DH is not working yet (still in graduate program) so we're running out of money. We spent over $100K on IVF since Kara died just 17 months ago. RIght about now I start worrying about money again, and the possibility of never having any children at all. 8 is just not enough for my comfort level. Fuck.
Wish me luck. Let's hope I at least get 6 healthy embies.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Saturday
My RE's appointment went very well.
Lining = 9.8
D-follicles = 9 good-sized follicles (possibly a 10th)
Retrieval is scheduled for Saturday.
Which means a 5DT next Thursday.
:::Phew:::
Trying not to get too excited. Trying not to feel so guilty about feeling so good. Trying not to get my hopes up, after all, once your baby dies it's hard to imagine EVER holding a real live baby.
I love my RE's office. The Doctor, Nurses and Admin Staff are all awesome. Excellent communication, great scheduling, never a wait, etc. I never have to call twice for an answer to any of my questions. I love them. But this has to stop. It's not cool when the head Nurse tells me I'm like family now. I'm not laughing.
I'm so ready to start a real, live family. I can't live like this forever - missing my only child and feeling like I'll never have another child. I just can't.
Please, please, please, let me, let me, let me, let me get what I want this time.
~Morrissey
Thanks for all of your support ladies. I don't know what I'd do without you guys as a sounding board.
Lining = 9.8
D-follicles = 9 good-sized follicles (possibly a 10th)
Retrieval is scheduled for Saturday.
Which means a 5DT next Thursday.
:::Phew:::
Trying not to get too excited. Trying not to feel so guilty about feeling so good. Trying not to get my hopes up, after all, once your baby dies it's hard to imagine EVER holding a real live baby.
I love my RE's office. The Doctor, Nurses and Admin Staff are all awesome. Excellent communication, great scheduling, never a wait, etc. I never have to call twice for an answer to any of my questions. I love them. But this has to stop. It's not cool when the head Nurse tells me I'm like family now. I'm not laughing.
I'm so ready to start a real, live family. I can't live like this forever - missing my only child and feeling like I'll never have another child. I just can't.
Please, please, please, let me, let me, let me, let me get what I want this time.
~Morrissey
Thanks for all of your support ladies. I don't know what I'd do without you guys as a sounding board.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
10 Follicles - wow!
I have to talk in code here because I'm not sure who IRL reads this blog. And when you 'google' my real name, it leads you to this blog. So I'll allude to much here.
I got a call from the RE's office today - 'She' walked in and all of the nurses knew who 'She' was there for, just by looking at her. How cool is that? Pretty darn cool. And we have 10 follicles! Yay! I'm feeling wildly optimistic that this time we'll bring a baby home. Wow. 10 follicles. Part of me wishes it were more like 15-20, but I'll take ten. Even considering the expectation that 50% will be abnormal (according to my RE) that leaves 5. I'm nervous that it's not enough, yet excited that it's way more than I usually retrieve. Usually I get 5 and 3 make it to day 5, and all are abnormal after PGD.
So....10.
We're on our way.
I'll get an update on my lining tomorrow and more on the follicles after tomorrow's visit.
Could this finally be it?
Excited and nervous. Hoping this cycle works.
I got a call from the RE's office today - 'She' walked in and all of the nurses knew who 'She' was there for, just by looking at her. How cool is that? Pretty darn cool. And we have 10 follicles! Yay! I'm feeling wildly optimistic that this time we'll bring a baby home. Wow. 10 follicles. Part of me wishes it were more like 15-20, but I'll take ten. Even considering the expectation that 50% will be abnormal (according to my RE) that leaves 5. I'm nervous that it's not enough, yet excited that it's way more than I usually retrieve. Usually I get 5 and 3 make it to day 5, and all are abnormal after PGD.
So....10.
We're on our way.
I'll get an update on my lining tomorrow and more on the follicles after tomorrow's visit.
Could this finally be it?
Excited and nervous. Hoping this cycle works.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sunday Ramblings...
Today was a peaceful, beautiful day here in the Northeast. The leaves are in glorious full color and the temperature was in the low 70's today - how fabulous for November. I woke up early, had coffee on the deck with DH, went for a 4-mile walk together, and cleaned my house. What a great day.
His teenage kids were here last night - we drove them home to NY this afternoon and once they were dropped off, the conversation turned to our baby Kara.
DH is a full-time MBA student right now. When he's working on a project or studying for an exam, he invests 110% of himself. He basically 'disappears' inside of himself while he's focused on something. And every time that 'something' is done, he grieves again. DH likes to talk about how Kara would have been, and how we know her personality even though she never breathed a breath outside of the womb. Today he woke up worried about a project he handed in yesterday. He said that Kara would have told him to stop worrying about that fucking project and get on with the next task. He chuckled, then got quiet. I believe this is his way of coping with her death. An unexplained death of a genetically healthy 38-week old baby in the womb - how does one deal? A perfect, beautiful baby. One that was SO WANTED...how do you live your life with this? We visited the cemetary on the way home and spent some time with baby. DH told me he would do anything to take this pain away from me and to bring her back. He would jump in front of a train, take his own life in any way necessary, to bring her back. He's a good man and he is suffering. And all I can do it hold him and tell him I love him. Such a helpless feeling.
The love I feel for him, especially at a time like this is overwhelming. I know many babylost parents break up after the loss of their child(ren). It's an overwhelming life event, one that alters how you will forever look at and live your life. Crying jags are a constant companion and lost days/weeks are the norm. Mutual respect and support for how an individual grieves, is crucial to maintaining your marriage. I am so in love with this person - even more so than when I married him 5 years ago. And the fact that he grieves with me, makes me feel less alone.
Life is hard. It's really fucking hard. People die. Everything dies. We must embrace the good moments we have, however few, and cherish them while we can.
Today was a good day. I tried to embrace it and enjoy it while I could.
His teenage kids were here last night - we drove them home to NY this afternoon and once they were dropped off, the conversation turned to our baby Kara.
DH is a full-time MBA student right now. When he's working on a project or studying for an exam, he invests 110% of himself. He basically 'disappears' inside of himself while he's focused on something. And every time that 'something' is done, he grieves again. DH likes to talk about how Kara would have been, and how we know her personality even though she never breathed a breath outside of the womb. Today he woke up worried about a project he handed in yesterday. He said that Kara would have told him to stop worrying about that fucking project and get on with the next task. He chuckled, then got quiet. I believe this is his way of coping with her death. An unexplained death of a genetically healthy 38-week old baby in the womb - how does one deal? A perfect, beautiful baby. One that was SO WANTED...how do you live your life with this? We visited the cemetary on the way home and spent some time with baby. DH told me he would do anything to take this pain away from me and to bring her back. He would jump in front of a train, take his own life in any way necessary, to bring her back. He's a good man and he is suffering. And all I can do it hold him and tell him I love him. Such a helpless feeling.
The love I feel for him, especially at a time like this is overwhelming. I know many babylost parents break up after the loss of their child(ren). It's an overwhelming life event, one that alters how you will forever look at and live your life. Crying jags are a constant companion and lost days/weeks are the norm. Mutual respect and support for how an individual grieves, is crucial to maintaining your marriage. I am so in love with this person - even more so than when I married him 5 years ago. And the fact that he grieves with me, makes me feel less alone.
Life is hard. It's really fucking hard. People die. Everything dies. We must embrace the good moments we have, however few, and cherish them while we can.
Today was a good day. I tried to embrace it and enjoy it while I could.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
My brain on L.upron & E.strogen
Today I'm full of mixed emotions. Anticipation, anxiety, sadness, hopelessness, despair, worry. I've started my 8th and final (i think) IVF cycle and this time it better damn well work. Cycling this many times within 16 months of my baby's death is torturous to my body and mind, so much so that it's almost inhuman.
I am a bit excited about this cycle because as most of you know, I'm pretty certain this time will work. I'm speaking in code here, because I'm not sure exactly who IRL is reading this blog. So, I'm 80% sure this cycle will work - coming from my RE's lips to God's ears. So I'm just a tiny bit hopeful that I will be able to bear the Thanksgiving and Christmas Holidays knowing that a little bundle of joy is definitely on the way. Transfer is tenatively scheduled for sometime between 11/19 - 11/23, so I still have a few weeks to go before launch.
I'm anxious about this cycle, too. This cycle is costing well over $30,000, meaning our total IVF costs over the past 16 months have been astonishing. We are tapped out, DH is still in a full-time MBA program, and we have to live off of our savings until graduation in May 2010. Anxiety abounds over the state of the economy and his prospects for work, etc. and so on. Oh...why can't I just get pregnant naturally like most people? Money anxiety leads to worry, worry leads to depression. Not good.
The sadness is creeping in again, not that it ever truly 'goes away' but since my meds have been increased, I've been feeling pretty good. Sometimes it hits me again that she is truly g-o-n-e forever, and I feel the weight pressing down on my chest again, threatening to suffocate me. I look at her perfect little photo on my desk and I want to smash things, punch through walls, scream at God (which I do frequently). I get so angry and sad, conflicting feelings threatening to consume me and only ending in tears.
I despair that I will never get pregnant. What if I get pregnant and future child does not measure up to Kara? What if I always hold a special place in my heart for my first child, my dead child, my perfect child? Will I treat the others different? Will I have others? Will I be looking into adoption in 6 months?
I've been on L.upron for 18 days now, with another 2-1/2 weeks to go. The pinballing of emotions going on inside of me is amazing. I feel bi-polar.
I worry about running out of money because of IVF. I worry about this cycle not working. I worry that if it does work, will my baby live?
All of these thoughts collide with each other and make my brain hurt.
I just have to get through these next 2-1/2 weeks. Then the 2WW. Then the 35 weeks of pregnancy after that. **fingers crossed**
I am a bit excited about this cycle because as most of you know, I'm pretty certain this time will work. I'm speaking in code here, because I'm not sure exactly who IRL is reading this blog. So, I'm 80% sure this cycle will work - coming from my RE's lips to God's ears. So I'm just a tiny bit hopeful that I will be able to bear the Thanksgiving and Christmas Holidays knowing that a little bundle of joy is definitely on the way. Transfer is tenatively scheduled for sometime between 11/19 - 11/23, so I still have a few weeks to go before launch.
I'm anxious about this cycle, too. This cycle is costing well over $30,000, meaning our total IVF costs over the past 16 months have been astonishing. We are tapped out, DH is still in a full-time MBA program, and we have to live off of our savings until graduation in May 2010. Anxiety abounds over the state of the economy and his prospects for work, etc. and so on. Oh...why can't I just get pregnant naturally like most people? Money anxiety leads to worry, worry leads to depression. Not good.
The sadness is creeping in again, not that it ever truly 'goes away' but since my meds have been increased, I've been feeling pretty good. Sometimes it hits me again that she is truly g-o-n-e forever, and I feel the weight pressing down on my chest again, threatening to suffocate me. I look at her perfect little photo on my desk and I want to smash things, punch through walls, scream at God (which I do frequently). I get so angry and sad, conflicting feelings threatening to consume me and only ending in tears.
I despair that I will never get pregnant. What if I get pregnant and future child does not measure up to Kara? What if I always hold a special place in my heart for my first child, my dead child, my perfect child? Will I treat the others different? Will I have others? Will I be looking into adoption in 6 months?
I've been on L.upron for 18 days now, with another 2-1/2 weeks to go. The pinballing of emotions going on inside of me is amazing. I feel bi-polar.
I worry about running out of money because of IVF. I worry about this cycle not working. I worry that if it does work, will my baby live?
All of these thoughts collide with each other and make my brain hurt.
I just have to get through these next 2-1/2 weeks. Then the 2WW. Then the 35 weeks of pregnancy after that. **fingers crossed**
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