Reasons to be Thankful

Sometimes I get so focused on how fucked up my life has become, that I don't stop and appreciate those things to be thankful for. Despite the fact that I'm infertile and my child is dead, I do have to be thankful for the good things in my life. It keeps me sane.
As I head into another holiday season without my child, it's time I make that list again:

1. My daughter Kara. She taught me the true meaning of love. When the nurses placed her body in my arms, I thought I had never seen a more beautiful, perfect thing in my entire life. Her life and her death has taught me compassion, respect for life, love for family and countless other lessons. She was a blessing.

2. My husband. My rock. He has supported me 110% during my time of need. I have been a fragile 'mess' since losing Kara. Roaming around the house aimlessly, crying for days on end, and he has been there to support me and hold me up. He is amazing.

3. My family. As crazy as they are, they have been superb in supporting us in our grief and healing. My Dad stops at Kara's grave every time he visits (which still makes me cry with gratitude). My brother and his wife fed us for weeks after her loss. I couldn't even get off the couch, and they drove 1 hour each way to bring us meals. They cooked, cleaned and listened. They were amazing. My brother was the 'moderator' during my hospital stay. He made sure my parents read the stillbirth literature and knew what NOT to say to us. I love him so much. My mom - she's a bit crazy, but she means well. She has been amazing and supportive and I love her for it. She makes holiday decorations for Kara's gravesite and it's so touching that she puts so much thought into every holiday. And she has not once criticized me for my weight - which is amazing in and of itself.

4. My pregnancy. I cherish every kick, flip, hiccup, and somersault I ever felt. Kara was an amazing, stong little fighter and she kept me up many, many nights with her acrobatics. I miss her terribly. And I'm thankful I had the chance to hold her for her entire life. I am so lucky to have experienced pregnancy with her.

5. My job. I have bee a literal MESS this entire year and a half since she died. Any other company would have fired me a long time ago. Thankfully, I work from home and set my own travel schedule. I am able to 'hide' when I need to and work when I can. I am so thankful that I have this job, as much as it bores me, because I'm the only one working right now (DH is in school full time) and the economy sucks. We could be fucked if I lost my job too.

6. My husband's decision to sell his company. DH was CEO and a minority shareholder in an overseas company that he helped to build over 20 years. He traveled 80% of the time and we never saw each other. One month before Kara died, he sold his share to the majority partner and was free to go back to school for his EMBA. We didn't count on him being out of work the entire 2 years, but so far that's the way it's been. Of the money he made through the sale of the company, we've burned through 100K in IVF fees this year, $100K on DH's MBA tuition, and another $100K in his child support payments. We are running very low on money, but thankfully I'm working and he will be going back to work within 6 months. I am SO thankful that he was able to be home with me over the past 18 months. I would have died without him.

There are many other things I'm thankful for. But these are the ones I thank God for every night. It helps to keep me in touch with the reality that my life doesn't entirely suck. It sucks that Kara is not here with us. It sucks that I have to endure a minute without her. But I focus on the fact that I had her, that she was alive for 9 months, and that I am a better person for having known her.