Today was a peaceful, beautiful day here in the Northeast. The leaves are in glorious full color and the temperature was in the low 70's today - how fabulous for November. I woke up early, had coffee on the deck with DH, went for a 4-mile walk together, and cleaned my house. What a great day.
His teenage kids were here last night - we drove them home to NY this afternoon and once they were dropped off, the conversation turned to our baby Kara.
DH is a full-time MBA student right now. When he's working on a project or studying for an exam, he invests 110% of himself. He basically 'disappears' inside of himself while he's focused on something. And every time that 'something' is done, he grieves again. DH likes to talk about how Kara would have been, and how we know her personality even though she never breathed a breath outside of the womb. Today he woke up worried about a project he handed in yesterday. He said that Kara would have told him to stop worrying about that fucking project and get on with the next task. He chuckled, then got quiet. I believe this is his way of coping with her death. An unexplained death of a genetically healthy 38-week old baby in the womb - how does one deal? A perfect, beautiful baby. One that was SO WANTED...how do you live your life with this? We visited the cemetary on the way home and spent some time with baby. DH told me he would do anything to take this pain away from me and to bring her back. He would jump in front of a train, take his own life in any way necessary, to bring her back. He's a good man and he is suffering. And all I can do it hold him and tell him I love him. Such a helpless feeling.
The love I feel for him, especially at a time like this is overwhelming. I know many babylost parents break up after the loss of their child(ren). It's an overwhelming life event, one that alters how you will forever look at and live your life. Crying jags are a constant companion and lost days/weeks are the norm. Mutual respect and support for how an individual grieves, is crucial to maintaining your marriage. I am so in love with this person - even more so than when I married him 5 years ago. And the fact that he grieves with me, makes me feel less alone.
Life is hard. It's really fucking hard. People die. Everything dies. We must embrace the good moments we have, however few, and cherish them while we can.
Today was a good day. I tried to embrace it and enjoy it while I could.
8 comments:
You are such a wonderful couple and so lucky to have each other.
Love,
Maddy
Beautiful, uplifting post. Thank you.
xo
Thank you for sharing your peaceful day. I am so glad that you are strong together. Despite all of our bad luck, we are lucky to have wonderful men with whom we share great love.
love, nancy
so glad you had a beautiful day. it is so important for us to remember the things we are grateful for, in the midst of this unbearable grief. so lucky you have such a wonderful husband by your side. kara has incredible parents.
xox
oh b. what a beautiful, painful, intimate post. I am glad you are able to feel the depth of your love for your husband. Sometimes, that was all that kept me afloat.
Steph
thank you, big hug and all our love to P and you
xx Ines
Thanks for sharing your beautiful day. We need those days where not only is it lovely out but that we are able to recognize the beauty too.
I'm glad you were able to find some joy in your day. And it's nice hearing how you and your hubby have grown closer through all this rather than being torn apart. It's great that you are able to grieve together. I hope you continue to have lots of good days in the future.
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