Today I'm full of mixed emotions. Anticipation, anxiety, sadness, hopelessness, despair, worry. I've started my 8th and final (i think) IVF cycle and this time it better damn well work. Cycling this many times within 16 months of my baby's death is torturous to my body and mind, so much so that it's almost inhuman.
I am a bit excited about this cycle because as most of you know, I'm pretty certain this time will work. I'm speaking in code here, because I'm not sure exactly who IRL is reading this blog. So, I'm 80% sure this cycle will work - coming from my RE's lips to God's ears. So I'm just a tiny bit hopeful that I will be able to bear the Thanksgiving and Christmas Holidays knowing that a little bundle of joy is definitely on the way. Transfer is tenatively scheduled for sometime between 11/19 - 11/23, so I still have a few weeks to go before launch.
I'm anxious about this cycle, too. This cycle is costing well over $30,000, meaning our total IVF costs over the past 16 months have been astonishing. We are tapped out, DH is still in a full-time MBA program, and we have to live off of our savings until graduation in May 2010. Anxiety abounds over the state of the economy and his prospects for work, etc. and so on. Oh...why can't I just get pregnant naturally like most people? Money anxiety leads to worry, worry leads to depression. Not good.
The sadness is creeping in again, not that it ever truly 'goes away' but since my meds have been increased, I've been feeling pretty good. Sometimes it hits me again that she is truly g-o-n-e forever, and I feel the weight pressing down on my chest again, threatening to suffocate me. I look at her perfect little photo on my desk and I want to smash things, punch through walls, scream at God (which I do frequently). I get so angry and sad, conflicting feelings threatening to consume me and only ending in tears.
I despair that I will never get pregnant. What if I get pregnant and future child does not measure up to Kara? What if I always hold a special place in my heart for my first child, my dead child, my perfect child? Will I treat the others different? Will I have others? Will I be looking into adoption in 6 months?
I've been on L.upron for 18 days now, with another 2-1/2 weeks to go. The pinballing of emotions going on inside of me is amazing. I feel bi-polar.
I worry about running out of money because of IVF. I worry about this cycle not working. I worry that if it does work, will my baby live?
All of these thoughts collide with each other and make my brain hurt.
I just have to get through these next 2-1/2 weeks. Then the 2WW. Then the 35 weeks of pregnancy after that. **fingers crossed**
11 comments:
Thinking of you during this cycle. I start my lupron next week! So we are tentatively scheduled for a retrieval the first week of December or so. I am trying to remain positive this cycle! Hugs!
I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best, all the way.
sending so many wishes for this cycle to be it and for your second baby to come home with you in 9 months- alive and healthy.
xox
Thinking of you and sending tons of positive vibes your way.
Sending you a big, big hug. I have hope, lot's of it, too. This just has to work. I know it's something not many people dare to say in the land of the eternally marked by loss. But this one will work, I'm hoping, wishing, praying.
I'll try to call you this afternoon (for me)
lots of love
xxooInes
**HUG** You can do it, My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I'll be thinking of you & praying everything works out! HUGS!!!
I have hope for you!! I know this will work!! love, nancy
Sending you good energy, love, and hope.
Peace, my friend.
Can't believe this is your eighth cycle in such a short amount of time. Yes, this is hard on you physically, but emotionally all of those BFNs in a row must just bite.
Hang tight while you're on the lupron (as if I need to tell you). I credit lupron with destroying my last relationship...I completely flipped my wig.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Transfer will come sooner than you think.
Sending you lots of good vibes!
You are so full of love and courage - I am inspired and humbled by you. I am hoping beyond hope that this is it for you, that a beautiful, healthy baby will be yours, that the money you need will flow, and that you will see your heart is big enough to hold more children. Sending you lots of positive energy and crossing everything for you!
Love,
Maddy
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