4dp5dt

I am out of my mind with anticipation over this possible pregnancy. I SO BADLY want to pee on a stick, but I know it won't help my state of mind. I'm sure it's too early anyway. 4 days after a 5 day transfer? What the hell am I thinking?

I want this pregnancy so badly, that I'm terrified of a negative BETA on Monday. I have been in such a deep, dark, lonely place since Kara died 18 months ago, and I've only begun to start feeling good/okay in the last few weeks. What if it's negative? Will I go crashing down into that pit of despair once again? fuck. I've been on such a 'high' these past few days especially, that I'm sure the fall will be extremely painful. I think of IVF #5 back in Feb of this year. I was still emotionally raw from losing Kara, and probably too frail to endure the ups & downs of another IVF cycle, but that's neither here nor there. I was desperate to conceive and gladly entered the clinic's cycle every 3rd month. Anyway, we had (1) normal embryo and when the doctor called with the good news, I felt I was having an out of body experience - the joy was so intense. We transferred the (1) embryo and I went about my life, fully expecting for it to work. I was traveling to Upstate NY on the day of my BETA, and rec'd the phone call about 2 hours into my 5 hr trip. My BETA was negative. (I found out later that the embryo, while testing 'normal' after PGD, did not look like a high-quality embryo. I wish I would have ASKED on the day of transfer!!!!! I would have at least prepared me for failure.) I had to endure a meeting, lunch with a client, and another 2 hour ride to my hotel, after hearing the news. I remember getting inside my hotel room and literally falling apart. I sobbed uncontrollably and thoughts that went through my mind were of never being able to get pregnant again. Never having a live child. How could I live my life without children? I was inconsolable.

I never want to be in that place again. The feeling of hopelessness and anger at my own inability to conceive, was devastating. Combine all of this with the loss of my child, and I am extremely fragile. Maybe I'm not as fragile now as I was then. I don't know. I hope I'm stonger. I hope I'm able to weather that storm better than I was 10 months ago. All I know is, that I never want to go to that dark place again. I would rather be dead.

I keep thinking good thoughts. The little embryos inside of me were the highest-quality embryos possible. They were already hatching. They were perfect. I stayed on bed rest for 2 days after transfer, just to be sure. I haven't worked out or exerted myself one tiny bit. I just have to keep my head about me until next Monday.