It's been so long since I posted, that I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore. I can't blame you. I've been busy and when I'm free, I've been lazy. When I get the chance, I work out, take a nap, get a mani/pedi or just catch up on blog reading. I haven't paid my own blog very much attention. For one, it's painful to come here. It is Kara's place, a place where I've poured my heart out over her death for 3.5 years. For another, each time I post about how happy my twins have made me, I feel guilty over feeling happy for having live children while Kara is dead. It is a place that's difficult for me to visit without sadness and guilt.
But I do have live children, and I am very happy to have them. I am so very blessed and overwhelmed, and between my feelings of elation there are deep feelings of sadness for my missing little girl. Christmas is no harder than any other day, except for the fact that there are 3 other children in my family who were all born within 4 weeks of Kara's death. There was a tiny little children's table at my in-law's house this Christmas eve with 3 children's place settings on it. Helen, Luke and Gavin are all 3.5 years old. It broke my heart, and made me intensely angry at the same time, that all three children were sitting there and there was no Kara. There was no place setting with her name on it. There were no presents under the tree with her name on them. No one spoke her name on that night except me when I said my prayers before bed.
Even now, the thought of that tiny table with three little names on the seating cards makes me sad and angry. She has been erased from this earth, but not from our family and never from my memory or my heart.
Christmas was also very happy for us, too. After all, we do have Kara's little brother and sister here and they deserve happy parents and a merry Christmas. It was great having them around all of their cousins (27 in all) and around their grandparents, etc. They opened their gifts tenatively at first, then realizing that the ripped open paper revealed awesome toys, with increased intensity. It was great. This is my life - lots of joyous times mixed with that ever-present sadness. It is the new normal.
I must say, M & Q were the best dressed of the guests (50 in all!) I'll post some pics as soon as I get them downloaded form my mom's camera. I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas and my best wishes for a safe, happy and healthy New Year.
3 comments:
I'm still here, still walking the line between the bitter and the sweet.
xo
No, honey, Kara has definitely not been erased. It surely would have been nice for your family to have acknowledged her, but her life - although existing only inside you for those several months - has affected many other people's lives. Mine included. Your blog, though filled with pain at times, is profound, perhaps because of the pain. Kara's monumental impact upon YOU touches the world as you interact with others. She may not be of this earth anymore, but in spirit, she is everywhere and she is eternal.
I'm glad to hear that Q and M had a lovely Christmas. Your family is enormous! I can't imagine 50 people! Looking forward to seeing some pics and as always...it's good to hear from you.
I'm so happy to hear from you.
I think of Kara and of you and i send you lots and lots of love
xxoo
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