Its really affecting me this weekend. Losing my girl so close to her due date... My girlfriend just had her 2nd baby a few days ago and that's probably why. Not that I'm jealous - I'm not. Here's the deal - she lost her first baby at 20 weeks 3 years ago and we were all rooting for her to get pregnant again. She finally did and just had her baby but her birth story has me all wondering whether Kara could have been saved if I had had better care. My friend had a c-section 3-1/2 weeks earlier than she was due. They scheduled her for the 31st and I get a text the other day that the baby came early. I asked if she went natural or c-section and she texted back, c-section. She said she went in for a check up on Wednesday and they decided to take the baby right then. Apparently she was contracting and didn't even know it and when they checked her, she was dilating. They didn't want her to have natural because she has uterine surgery 2 years ago so they scheduled her right away for a c-section. I have to think that if I had a better doctor, she would have responded to my numerous calls about being in pain and being uncomfortable, by scheduling an ultrasound to check the baby. They didn't. I didn't know any better. She died. I tend to blame myself for her death because it was my first pregnancy and I was stupid. Every time I called the Doctor with a complaint, I was told it was normal and I felt foolish for being such a wimp. Maybe if I had paid more attention to my body, I would have pushed the issue and demanded an ultrasound. Maybe I would have felt the contractions? Maybe I would have saved her. June 4th will be 5 years and it feels like it was yesterday.
My husband is in China for 10 days so I'm alone with my sadness. I have no one to talk to, so when the AuPair put them down for naps today, I went for a 5-mile walk on the beach and cried my heart out. My favorite band of all time is the Cure, and Robert Smith is my favorite singer. I found this song today, while reading an interview he did about 10 years ago where he told the reporter that the song was inspired by friends who have lost children and a story he read about the skeleton of a child over a million years old, found buried alone. Anyway, the song breaks my heart as it speaks of the child he'll never know. It made me think that for all the interviews he's done over the past 30 years, he's claimed he and his wife never wanted children. But an intensely private person, it just might be that he lost a child too, and chose never to share it with the public. Maybe that's why the song has never been recorded and released - he only sings it live in concert. Whatever his inspiration, it reminds me of my darling baby Kara, and the child and woman I'll never know.
http://youtu.be/XRbwvTMbCqs
To have his arms around me, to sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had…all I ever had…
I’d love to see him dream, I’d love to watch him sleep
To have his arms around me,
Held his arms in mine, sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had for a moment of his love
He’s my heart and my soul
He’s my blood and my bones
He’s my prayers and my hope
My wishes and dreams
Seems so long ago, so long ago…
I’d love to watch him dream, love to see him sleep
To have his arms around me, feel him as he breathes
Hold his hands in mine, sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had for a moment of his love
He’s my heart and my soul
He’s my blood and my bones
He’s my prayers and my hopes
My wishes and dreams
Seems so long ago…
He’s my blood and my bones
He’s my heart and my soul
He’s my prayers and my hopes
My wishes and dreams
A boy I never knew
And the man I’ll never know
I’ll never know, I'll never know…
To have his arms around me, sense his perfect trust
I’d give all I ever had…
Robert Smith - The Cure
4 comments:
I'm so sorry for your grief, sadness and guilt. I hope the walk helped in some way.
Em
I'm so sorry. Five years IS but a day - and a lifetime - when you've lost a child. I understand why you have doubts and wonder if Kara could have been saved....born early...if....(a million ifs)....if you had a different doctor, if you'd had an ultrasound, if you'd insisted on this or that. Questions without answers.
Nothing will heal the pain of not having Kara here because your love for her will never end. I just wish you could find a way to forgive yourself. To believe that God had a plan for Kara and you did nothing wrong. I know - I know you would have given your life for her. You would have given anything and everything for her. There is nothing more you can give, sweetie.
I'm so sorry that certain dates hit you so hard. I guess those dates are a good time to honor Kara and everything she will always mean to you. Hugs.
I wish you would update...
Keep checking...
It sounds like you are going through something very difficult.
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