This new life is not a life I chose. I do not want this. I have no say in this, this life without my daughter. "You're so strong." Really? Because I did not choose to be strong. I just continue living, unfortunately. And people think that's 'being strong.' "You have a lot to live for." No,I really have nothing to live for, except my husband. And he would be just fine without me, in time. I've learned that the world just keeps turning while your heart is ripped out of your chest and you're left to find your own way in this terrifying new existence that you have no control over. Life goes on. The sun rises and sets, we get up every morning, go to work, make love, see a movie, play on the playground, do laundry, see friends, celebrate holidays. Everything keeps moving forward, with or without us. It's horrible and I want no part of it. How can my life go on when I've buried my infant daughter? How can I ever wake up without feeling the gut-wrenching pain of loss and of having failed her? I muddle through my days until nightfall comes and I can escape to a drug-induced sleep. I am exhausted all day long - unable to nap when I'm tired because I cannot escape the trauma of my daughter's death. I go all day until physical and mental exhaustion claim me and I have a few hours in another consciousness.
If God gave me a choice, and told me I'd go to Heaven, I would die now. If I could be assured that Peter and my family would not grieve, I would go this instant. It is selfish and indulgent to think this way. But I feel my daughter needs her mommy more than anyone here needs me. It is my duty to be with her. Fighting this urge to mother, is like fighting instinct. We have no control over that. We can control where we live, what we eat, who we marry, what career we want, the car we drive, our reaction to how others treat us ~but not the physical need to mother our children. It is built into our human existence at such a level that we cannot overcome it. How unnatural to have to bury your child. It's cruel beyond words.
I want off this planet. The world keeps turning, but not for Kara. It is incomprehensible to me that my daughter lies in her grave while I continue to live my life. I should have died and she should have lived. One of my online friends says she's living her best life in honor of her daughter. I wish I could feel this way. My brain tells me that I'm wishing my life away waiting for the day I can die, and it's disrespectful to Kara because she didn't even get to take one breath. How dare me! But my heart tells me this life is not worth living without her. It's disrespectful of Kara to live a happy/full life, because she's not here to enjoy it with me. How can I ever enjoy anything ever again? My baby is dead! I visit my daughter at a cemetary! How can anything every be okay ever again?! It can't. So don't try to distract me with your idle conversation and your dinner invitations. I'm not interested in living that life right now. I'm not interested in anything except trying to get pregnant again so that I can have a reason to live. Because right now, I just wish I were dead so that I didn't have another 40+ years of visiting her grave, celebrating Christmas, weddings and other births, without my daughter.
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