Today is another day in the pit. I'm so fucking sad, I can't stop crying. And it's not the weepy kind of sad, it's the full-blown sobbing kind of sad. I almost lost it several times in the grocery store - it's that bad today. I just miss her - pure and simple.
My mom called to check on me this morning because she knew I was crushed earlier in the week over the failed IVF. She told me when she starts feeling sorry for herself, she blah blah blah's. I heard nothing after that because I was appalled that she thought my grief was me feeling sorry for myself. I, of course, corrected her and explain that I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm grieving the loss of my daughter. Some days are worse than others, this is just how it goes. If you haven't lost a child, you will never know. Pray that you don't. This is not a life I would wish on my worst enemy. Anyway, she called back this afternoon to apologize and correct herself - and ends up sobbing that I can't keep doing this (IVF) to myself. Maybe I should adopt. (wtf?) Somehow, my grief turns into my mother's grief, and she is telling me I should give up trying to have my own baby and to adopt. ugh.
People who have never lost a baby, don't get it. People who aren't infertile, don't get it either. What is so fucking easy for most women, is NOT FUCKING EASY FOR ME. And adoption is not the immediate answer. Why must people do this? Why can't they just LISTEN and SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you want to solve my problems and make me stop crying, then bring my baby back. If you can't raise the dead, then just shut up and listen.
I understand that my mom is in pain when she hears me in such terrible pain. But rather than try to offer solutions (to which there are none) listening would be much appreciated. Listen without offering opinions - that's it. I have enough on my plate without trying to defend my choices and my rights to grieve my daughter.
Kara, I don't know how to live without you. I don't know how people go on living when their children die. Even if I have more children someday, I don't know how I can live with this aching sadness in my heart for you. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up where you are. I love you and miss you more than anything in the world baby. xoxoxoxo
6 comments:
I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to say this: "If you want to solve my problems and make me stop crying, then bring my baby back. If you can't raise the dead, then just shut up and listen" to people i know. I'm sick of people being frustrated because they can't help me. I can't be helped. She can't come back and the other thing that will help will be a new pregnancy and the only person who can help with that is my husband, and he's already doing all he can! You're not alone.
It is amazing how much people don't get that this grief is simply about something that can't be fixed (sadness) but rather it must be felt fully; that it is about someone (our kids who died) who can never be replaced; that is experience doesn't get to be "over" or "better" or "healed" but rather, eventually integrated with everyday -- and that integration means sobbing in the grocery. Oh well! People just need to deal with it -- sobbing in the grocery is not illegal, and I'm sorry if it makes them uncomfortable, but it isn't about them -- it is about you feeling whatever you feel fully in any given moment. When these things happen to me, it isn't like I have a choice -- I'm sad, my kid is dead, this is how I'm dealing in this moment -- I don't have the choice to bring my child back, so...
Anyway, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you, I'm so sorry you are feeling this today, and just that I witness it for and with you -- and do that while knowing there is no fix.
You are not alone...
miracles,
k-
i said to my mother once, i don't feel sorry for you. your children are alive. granted, my mother is about 5 kinds of batshit crazy, but still. when my kids freak out and scream and cry, it makes me unbearably sad that paige will never get angry or sad or hurt. i will never see things the same way, and really, just avoid showing it to anyone, because i think i will punch the next person who tries to tell me i'm really ok. which i am. but fuck them, because despite it all, i never will be again.
you are right, people who never had a dead baby or infertility do not get it. i imagine i don't get things i've not experiences, either. such is the way of life, yet people seem to always want to open their f-ing mouths to lend advice anyway. JUST LISTEN. how come people don't know that yet?
i just found your blog and am crying reading your words...they are so similar to mine. so much anger and sadness, hating my body, hating god, hating the world. i guess we are on similar grief paths. i am so sorry to meet you this way, so sorry that our babies are not with us.
oh lord, how to describe to our well meaning mothers, how angry their words can sometimes make us? I've given up trying to make my mother see or understand how it hurts, how the rage simmers under the surface of everything. She. Just. Doesn't. Get. It. Nearly 2 years down the road, she's mailing me articles about stress, weight, PCOS, vitamins, and bullcrap that she thinks is "helping". As it goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I'm sick of the trite remarks, the corny cliches and mutterings about just relaxing, trying adoption, not stressing, giving it time and on and on. People are useless when it comes to dealing with grief that runs this deep. Its like a layer of sensitive skin, and the slightest touch offends. I hope that helps you understand, as I have, that my mom is trying (very!) and so is yours. They just wont get it...
xx
I absolutely hear you.
You know I had someone tell me last week that having kids isn't always great and maybe she'd have done her life differently if she'd known - she the mother of two robust healthy gorgeous kids.
She later sent me an email saying that I seemed quite angry and strange. I told her only someone who has children could be so fucking ignorant and thoughtless.
Sorry to hijack your post with my rant. I read often. And am sorry for your loss. Sincerely.
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