A simple phone call threw me into a tailspin today. Well, I shouldn't say that, really. It started when I woke up. I wake up every morning thinking of Kara and fighting the sadness. Today, I fought it as long as I could. It's 2pm and I've dissolved into tears numerous times already today. The phone call happened at 11:15am from my best friend with new baby #2.
It started out so simple...we talked about her and the new baby, the new apartment, DH's job, etc. After 20 min of this, she asks "So how are you?" I can't speak for a moment, I choke up with tears. My throat gets tight and I have difficulty speaking. I was hoping the conversation would continue focused on her, because I can't answer the question 'How are you?' without telling the truth sometimes. It changes from minute to minute on most days. Today is not a good day.
I just don't know how I can live like this for another 40+ years. I miss her so much I would give anything and everything to have her here with me. I would jump in front of a train if it would bring her back to be where she belongs. My life is nothing without her.
My grief is compounded by the fact that I may never have another living child of my own. I will turn 41 in July and we've been through 2 unsuccessful IVF cycles in the past 4 months. Part of me thinks that a new pregnancy, another baby to love and hold, to raise, will help heal my heart. But another part of me knows that no matter how many children I may have, I will never heal from the heartbreak of losing Kara. I don't know how people live normal lives after losing a child. It is not happening for me. Each day is a struggle to get out of bed and not cry. Each night I look forward to sleep so I can escape my nightmare of a life and get a few hours of unconscious rest. What kind of life is this? It is 8 1/2 months and I still wish I were dead. I cry every single day - some more and some less than others - but I still cry every day. I miss her more than anything in the world and I don't think I'll ever come to terms with her death.
It's just not getting any easier for me.
4 comments:
I'm sorry. I wish I could offer some magic words about how it gets easier over time. I've had a crap crying day today too. No one gets it, how empty and broken I feel inside, always thinking about my dead baby girl and babies. I feel like I'm heading for the pit again, full steam ahead :(. I wanted to let you know I read your post...and am sorry. I feel the same way...about having a bio child. Wish Kara and Janaki were here and things were not shitty like this. I don't think I'll ever come to terms with Janaki's death. I think I have come to terms that this is going to be my life from now on. Fuck.
p.s. I prized you with Honest Scrap.
"I don't know how people live normal lives after losing a child."
I don't know either, I wish I had some answers for you...
Colleen
hi you, well I'm in this pit, too. :-/ but we'll get back out, too.
ines
www.mybutterflychild.blogspot.com
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