I can't believe it's been 1 year since she died. This entire year has flown by in a blur of pain and sadness, one that I never thought I'd live through. The early days were full of anxiety attacks and a constant gut-wrenching sadness; ever-present tears and a swollen face; a need to die, to be with my baby again. A constant feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and a bone deep misery. Through the months the anxiety attacks subsided and the gut wrenching sadness turned to a pervasive grief that has filtered throughout every pore. The tears still flow, and I still have times where I wish I were dead. The sadness is always with me, and I expect it to be so until I die.
But I'm learning to live with the grief that has consumed my life. My whole existence has been changed - molded by the loss of my daughter. I have been broken to my very soul. I have cried tears from the depths of sorrow which I never knew existed. I have known love, the bounds of which I didn't understand before her. I have known longing, the intense desire to cross the boundary between life and death to be with her. I have experienced true suffering, and will forever be sensitive to the suffering of others.
My beautiful daughter has brought my life meaning and depth that I never dreamed of. Her death has brought me more suffering and sadness than I ever thought possible. And yet, if I was given the chance to escape my suffering by never having had her, I would choose to have her over and over again. Kara was and continues to be a wonderful blessing and I am honored to have carried her for her entire life, even if it was only for a short time.
I miss you my love - I miss you with every breath I take, every second of every minute of every day.
9 comments:
I'm so sorry you've had to endure a year without your sweet girl.
I'm glad the sting is dulling in time.
I am thinking of you and praying for you.
Much Love, Lindsay
This is a beautiful post. I am so sorry Kara is not here, attempting to blow out her first birthday candles. I would love to share this post with so many friends, to show just how deep these losses touch our souls.
You are beautifully raw and honest. I am as always, so desperately sorry.
I was thinking of you earlier. Wish Kara was here and things were different. I remember Janaki's one year angelversary was incredibly hard to bear. I can only begin to imagine how it is for you too.
Missing our baby girls ...
Look after yourself on this special day. xx
Happy 1st Birthday Kara! I wish you were here to share it with the people who love you
One year.
Just, as always, I am so so sorry that she is not here in your arms, that your last year were filled with other feelings, that it were all so very different...and yet, what you say is so beautiful, this line, "I am honored to have carried her for her entire life," made me tear up. Beautiful words on this incredibly difficult day. Thinking of you.
I'm so very sorry that your beautiful darling Kara isn't with you.
xxx
Your words are so true and beautiful. Kara is lucky to have a mama that loves her so deeply.
Remembering your sweet Kara on her first birthday and sending you ((((hugs)))).
I hope the day is peaceful and full of Kara's love.
i'm sending you so much love today and thinking of your beautiful daughter kara on her one year day. i so wish you had her here with you. it is inspiring to read your words and witness your journey and the love that pours through you. kara is so lucky to have you as her mama.
So touching and so true that we would go through this suffering over again rather than not having had them at all. Love & hugs to you
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