Grief

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay. I have a few good days and I have to remind myself of the horror that I've lived through, the absolute terror of learning that my baby died inside of me, and the realization that I'm still alive. That I've lived through it. It's like picking a scab to watch it bleed again - wanting to remind myself of the reality and the pain of her absence. I can't just enjoy the good days without picking that scab.

Then I have bad days. Days when I wake up not feeling so good, but can't put my finger on exactly what's wrong. I can feel a ball of anxiety in my belly and a lingering feeling of dread permeating my every thought. Every so often I hear myself sigh deeply, and it sounds like someone else - someone who is very sad and troubled. Grief is stalking me and I am trying to evade him. But Grief wins every time.

Today was one of those days, and I felt it coming on since Sunday afternoon. It began with impatience and anxiety, typical for me when I'm traveling and ready to come home. We went to New England to visit family onver the long holiday weekend and after 4 nights of sleeping in strange beds and being on other peoples' timetables, I was ready to come home. Yesterday I felt it even more. The dread began early in the morning - and progressed throughout the day. I thought it was dread over going back to work after a nice 5-day break. This morning it felt like anxiety - a stone in the pit of my stomach for no apparent reason. By 3pm today, I was home and in bed with my tears. It wasn't until late this morning that I realized I had been running away from my Grief for the past 3 days. It felt good to finally succumb to it and to cry freely. To acknowledge my sadness and loss, my anger and pain. And my anger.

I'm still in a funk and not feeling well, but I think I recognize now the need to let Grief in when it rears its ugly head. Instead of running from it, I should let it in and just be sad for a few days. It eventually catches up with me anyway - why do I do this? I always think I can hold it off long enough to 'weather' the storm which will surely pass if I keep avoiding it. But it doesn't work that way. It's not something I can 'weather' without having to experience it. And that's my lesson for today. Embrace the storm and stop trying to avoid it.

Hoping tomorrow is a better, brighter day.