I am on my 6th IVF cycle this month and I had 6 eggs retrieved last Sunday. I was very excited - that was a great response for my body. 5 eggs fertilized and 4 embryos made it to day 3. We waited all week for the results of PGD testing to determine the genetic health of the embryos. This morning I heard the heartbreaking news: all 4 embryos were abnormal.
We were crushed, disappointed, but very few tears fell. We will do this 2 more times, then we're done. At least there's an end in sight. DH left for school and I tried to begin my day.
I was holding up pretty well, calling my mom and soulmate friend to share the disappointing news. no tears - I'm okay. Sad, but looking towards the future. Looking on the (not-so) bright side - maybe I can get these last 10lbs off before I start cycling again. (truth is, I could care less - I'd rather be pregnant.)
So I'm doing okay - starting to get some actual work done in my office when the doorbell rings. And this arrives:
My darling, sweetheart of a husband sent me flowers for Mother's Day. On top of what happened this morning, I broke down into sobs the likes of which I haven't seen in over a month. I picked myself up off the floor, unwrapped the beautiful arrangement, cleaned the dining room table and displayed my flowers. I am still crying as I write this. What a wonderful man! I feel like I've let him down - he's sending me Mother's Day flowers and I failed to bring his baby into this world safely. I wish I didn't have to go back to the pit, but here I am again.
I miss my daughter so, so very much today. I should have an 11-month old, and here I am still on the IVF rollercoaster, grieving my only child on my first Mother's Day without her. It's not even Mother's Day yet and I'm a wreck. This does not bode well.
14 comments:
I'm so sorry the IVF did not work out yet again. It is not fair. The flowers are beautiful.
I'm crying right along with you today.
Oh mama. HUGS. I'm so very sorry for it all. :(
You did not fail.
I'm so sorry for all of it.
Sending good thoughts your way.
xxx
I'm so sorry about the IVF. Your husband must be wonderful - the flowers are beautiful. I'll be thinking of you.
I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you right now.
i'm so sorry babette. i lost it today too.
the flowers are so beautiful, what an amazing man you've got.
xo
I'm so incredibly sorry. You and all the other mamas out there will be in my thoughts on Sunday. I am wishing you all the very best for your next cycle.
Lots of love to you Mama.
I'm so sorry and disappointed about the PGD results. Its so f#cking unfair. Is it so hard to ask for one, just one, embryo to make the money spent and the whole cycle worth something???
Your husband is so sweet and thoughtful. The flowers are beautiful, and I'm sure he was also trying to make you feel better about the cycle. You are both in this TOGETHER, it has nothing to do with you failing him.
As for the tears, let them come. I have already cried twice and its not even remotely MD yet. We have family coming over sunday/tomorrow (DH invited them) and I get to be the silent witness while my MIL, SIL and DH's nieces get to open their MD presents, while I get a big fat nothing. Just the thought is enough to start the waterworks again.
I'm thinking of you. Wish I could wave a f#cking magic wand and our babies would come back, and things would go on like they're supposed to. This, This is just us being robbed. Again.
Hugs,
S
I am just so sorry, I am in tears with you. How hurtful and just damn unfair it all is.
hey Babette
i just sent you an email being all hopeful. I wish I could unsend it. I'm so very sorry this is happening to you. It's crushing. I'm right with you. I jump into your pit with you and together we'll get back out, when ready.
big hug and lots of love
Ines
PS my dh send his love, too
Oh Babette, I am so sorry. I was hoping for good news from you. it is so unfair. Your DH is a wonderful man.
love, nancy
Hey Babette, thanks for reading my blog and commenting. It's so sad to connect with other babylost moms and yet so helpful at the same time.
I noticed you're in central NJ. I live just north of Princeton.
i'm so so sorry to read about your failed ivf cycle. i think you're really brave to keep going (although i know that's shit...it's almost like there's no choice in the matter). i still think you're brave.
thinking of you, as kara's birthday approaches...
I'm so sorry this cycle was not a success. I'm weeping with you. Peace.
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