Turning a Corner, Perhaps?

This week is the first good week I've had in a year. Yes, I cried. Yes, I thought about her every second of every day. Yes, I went to the cemetary to visit with her. Yes, I missed her every minute and missed simple pleasures like pushing her in her stroller during this fabulous weather. Yes, yes, yes. I still miss my baby, terribly.

But I felt happy this weekend, for the first time in almost a year. It feels amazing. I don't know if it's the medication, the warm weather, my upcoming vacation, my current IVF cycle...or a combination of all of those things.

Okay - the new anti-depressants are dfinitely helping. Thank God. I couldn't live in that grey world of pure sadness 24/7 any longer. I couldn't get out of my own way - couldn't clean the house, do laundry, could hardly work.

And sure, the warm weather is a boost to my mental state. We've had snow, rain and cold weather for so long, I forgot what the sun looked and felt like. I've just enjoyed 3 days in a row of 80-degree weather - yes, it feels wonderful to be alive.

And maybe my upcoming vacation to Ireland is giving me something to look forward to for once during this entire year from HELL. Since losing Kara, we haven't gone anywhere except local jaunts to visit family in Connecticut. DH is traveling to China with his MBA class and I decided my mom & I are going to Ireland during the same time. I am excited and feel light of heart for the first time in almost 1 year. I'm most excited to meet my babylost blog friend, Ines from Ireland - that will be the highlight of my trip.

And I'm sure my current IVF cycle has something to do with it. This is my 3rd cycle since Kara died, and I am getting tired of being 20lbs overweight and over-emotional while cycling. I'm tired of the failures and of the waiting. Maybe this will be our lucky cycle? Maybe...

Overall, I feel like I've turned a corner. My therapist told me that one day I wouldn't feel so horrid every second of every day. That one day I'd actually be interested in work and in life again. But I didn't think it would happen at this point in my grief. I think the combination of things going on in my life right now have given me that all-elusive feeling of 'HOPE' once again. I have hope for a brighter future, for a child in my future, for a life. For enjoying the beautiful life I've been blessed with, instead of wishing I was dead every moment I'm alive. It's an amazing contrast in feelings considering I was so far in the pit 4 weeks ago that I was afriad I'd never emerge in one piece.

I'm sure I'm not "done" with this grief - not at all. I still can't look at her pitcures without crying and feeling like I've been sucker-punched when someone unknowingly asks "How's the baby?" as someone did last week. Poor man, he hasn't seen me since I was 8 months pregnant and no one told him the terrible news. I still cry when customers talk about her. It's so thoughtful that people remember and want to give me condolences. I still wish with every fiber of my being that I could give my own life for hers. I would jump in front of a train if it would bring her back. But maybe I'm starting to heal. Maybe I'm learning to live with the pain and to enjoy the good moments when they present themselves.

And maybe I'm just having a good week and should leave it at that.