Today is exactly 10 months since I lost Kara. I feel anxious that I'm that far out from her, that it's been almost 1 year.
In the early months of my grief I was paralyzed. The grief was so severe that I couldn't sleep or eat, I could hardly function at all. I had anxiety attacks which I was sure would kill me; a pounding heart, waves of raw panic, hysterical outbursts of crying. I begged God to please let me die so that I could be free of this suffering and be with my daughter. DH and I holed up in our house and suffered through the worst time of our lives.
My birthday was 4 weeks after Kara died, and my dad & stepmom took us to dinner. This was our first time out of the house and I pushed myself to go, thinking I needed to get out of that self-imposed prison. I remember feeling completely detatched at dinner, the conversation incomprehensible to me. My thoughts were on my missing baby, and how could I be here at dinner while the rest of the world goes on with their lives, while my baby is dead? It was surreal. I remember looking in the bathroom mirror and seeing a new mother without her baby. It was obvious to me that everyone else saw the same thing - with my swollen belly and no baby in tow. I cried numerous times throughout dinner, straining to hold in the tears as the hugely pregnant hostess seated tables nearby. Looking at my dad across the table, I thought of his face, wet with tears, when he met us at the hospital while we waited for me to go into labor. I broke his heart that day. This was the second time in my life I had ever seen my father cry.
At 10 months out, I look back on the early days with mixed emotions. When I'm having a few tough days and I'm suffering, I think back to the early months and I can see the healing that's taken place within me. I look back and remember just how bad suffering can really be, and I know that I can get through this. At the same time, I'm sad that I'm getting farther and farther away from her birth and death. It doesn't make sense to me. I believe in Heaven, I believe that someday I will be reunited with Kara. But it makes me so sad to know that with each day, I'm one day father from her. I should be thinking that I'm one day closer to her.
Perhaps one day I will be able to see this journey as approaching her, as opposed to leaving her behind.
9 comments:
I remember my first time out too... and you're right it was so sureal thinking their world is still going on while mine has just collapsed. It doesn't always feel like one day closer to our babies but I'm glad we share that hope- I sometimes have to remind myself of that hope on the rough days.
I don't think that you broke your father's heart. I'm sure his heart was breaking because of what HIS child was going through.
Each milestone is different. Grief is a strange and difficult process. I'm thinking of you.
My birthday was also four weeks after I lost Hope. It was awful. So many people wishing me "happy" birthday. There was nothing to be happy about. We also went out and I think it was the first time I had been out too. I thought people were staring at me, but they weren't. They were too busy getting on with their lives. I just hate how the world does not stop spinning for us.
Thinking of you and sweet Kara today.
"Perhaps one day I will be able to see this journey as approaching her, as opposed to leaving her behind. "
I know you will. What else is life, if not a dance towards death? One day, you will hold Kara again... in the meantime, we survive. :(
Hugs to you! Grief is such a long rollercoaster of emotions. I remember those days of not eating. I hid in the house for months. It's amazing how time does heal you a little bit, but we will never be healed...we will always ache to hold our little ones. Just remember, that your sweet beautiful daughter is watching over you each day... I try to cling to that on my bad days...Just remember you have come a long way... little steps...you are further from her birth...but you are closer to her birthday and I am sure you will make that a special day for her! I look forward to seeing what you do. Take care.
thinking about you and kara today.
i too have been thinking about the difference between those first few weeks and months- the shock, how surreal it all was, i just could not believe that my baby just died when he was supposed to be born.
now it's a little different but after 7 months i still look in the mirror and don't recognize myself and still have the belly and an extra 20 pounds. it's still surreal that this is my life.
thinking of you and kara today and sending you love
Those early days, the first time out of the house, all of it is very surreal. I can not even remember some of the things I did, but I know I did them. So odd.
It is so difficult to watch the moments turn into months and years, all further from our pregnancy and connection and birth and death of our missed babies.
I'm glad you have experienced some healing over the last 10 months. I'm sorry grief grabs your heart tonight on Kara's 10 month angelversary.
Hi, I caught your blog off of minsa moms... I lost a baby @ 6 months old its now been 6 months since his passing it is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I feel your pain, hurt, anger and want for your baby. If only I could help you. Hopefully we can help each other. The emotions are all so new and hard... Know that you are in my thoughts. My contact email is brigey66@hotmail.com my dh runs our blog and I don't have the info right now but can get it for u. Thanks for sharing youe feelings.
why do you blame your loss on yourself?
i've only browsed your entries & noticed atleast 2 times you've mentioned that you "failed your husband" & "broke your father's heart".
it just isn't so. stop blaming yourself.
i have suffered an early miscarriage before & know that although we don't share the same grief, it is unbearable.
peace be with you.
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