Knocked down again

It's been a few weeks since my last post. I have this problem...I only feel the urge to write when I'm feeling down. When the grief grabs me, I need a release. I can't seem to put the good days into writing yet.

The past week has been very difficult for me. It starts as a restlessness, almost a mania, where I feel an urgent need to be physical. I can head it off usually with a 4-mile walk or going to the gym to pump iron. But sometimes I'm just too tired, so there's not enough time for my hour (or 2) workout. So I clean the house, do laundry, go shopping - anything to try and burn off the need. Sometimes it helps. But sometimes it doesn't, and the inevitable sadness overtakes me.

Despite being quite active this week, there were a few days where I could not outrun the sadness. No amount of housekeeping, shopping or laundry would help. Work did not help. The sadness pervades my every thought and I go from 'I miss my daughter' to 'I'll never get pregnant again.' I am grieving the loss of my beautiful daughter and going through my 4th IVF cycle since her death. (The 7th IVF cycle since we started TTC almost 3 years ago.) When will I be the lucky one to get a BFP? Will I ever? The grief grabs me from behind and drags me to the ground. No matter how hard I try to outrun it, it forces me facedown into the dirt and rubs my nose in it. I cry, I sob, I hate life. I am grieving my daughter's death, and the death of my fertility.

I am just about through with fertility treatments and looking into other options. I can't take the emotional roller coaster of the drugs, the 2WW or the genetic testing of the embryos. My life is broken down into 3 month cycles. 1 month to actively 'cycle' and 2 months of resting the old ovaries. It sucks. And all the while, I grow older.

I feel like a broken woman - old, tired, worn out. I'm not the person I used to be and I hate it. I hate this life - I hate the fact that my daughter is buried in the ground a few miles away instead of being here alive with us. I HATE IT! I want to reach into the ground and pull her into my arms when I'm there. I'm so broken from losing my daughter - how can I ever love another child the way I love her? And how can I live my life if I have to live childless? What if I can't get pregnant with my own eggs? Can I accept the future, whatever it brings?

I'm tired of being powerless. Tired of being sad. So tired of infertility drugs and abnormal embryos. Really tired of seeing new babies in the neighborhood. I hate myself and the fact that my body couldn't bring my baby alive into this world. I hate myself also for the fact that I can't get pregnant (with or without IVF, apparently.) I wasted my youth and my eggs. I thought pregnancy + 40 yrs old = IVF. I also thought that 9 months pregnant = live baby. What an impossible thing to accept, our powerlessness over life and death, and our own fertility.