Ramblings...

Yesterday, I was at the lowest place in my grief again. I was at that point where I just couldn't see the point in living any more. I was of the mind that if I have to live the rest of my life without Kara, I don't want to live.

It started in the grocery store on Thursday when I heard the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." That song sent me over the edge of the abyss where I stayed until last night. The song pointed out to me the fact that I would never see my daughter again until I die. I know this, of course, but sometimes when its bluntly put in front of me, I lose it. How can I survive another X years until I'm with her again? How can I long for someone so intensely, and know that I'll never be able to satisfy this feeling? I'll never hold her. I'll never smell her baby smell. I'll never see her eyes or hear her voice. I'll never feel the solid muscle and bone as I hug her to my body. I'll never know if she can hear my voice tell her how much I love her every day, every night. How can the human psyche wrap itself around this concept? The longing simply seems too much sometimes. I don't know how to live with it.

Today, I woke up with a more positive feeling. I don't know how to explain it. I woke up at 2am thinking about our next (and 7th) IVF cycle and thought, maybe this will be it. And even if I DO conceive again (which isn't likely with my old eggs), I'll never have Kara back. I'll long for her until the day I die. Of that I'm sure. But, having another child would give me someone to pour my love into. Maybe another child will help ease the unbearable longing. Maybe another child will give me something to live for. I've mentioned it before, and without going into too much detail, we are exploring other options for having a family. Simply put - we're not taking 'no' for an answer. We will have a family, no matter what it takes. That said, I'm becoming optimistic that we will have children in this house sometime next year. If this optimism can buoy me through the hard times, then I must focus on the optimism and not the sadness and emptiness I now have. In the words of my therapist "This is a temporary place. You will be in a better place 1 year from now, 2 years from now, and so on." I believe her. Unfortunately, I want it all NOW. I'm not a patient person and yet infertility and babyloss makes one realize that we're not really in control, at all.

My awesome therapist also wants me to focus on the positive things that Kara has given me. There are many (the topic of my next post) and I must focus on those instead of focusing on everything that I've lost. That's my assignment this week. We'll see how I do.