Every day I think I'll update my blog, but the fear of falling backwards into the abyss keeps me away. As if I could be made 'sadder' by writing about my feelings, my longing for my daughter. I live it every moment of my life, how can simply writing it down make me any sadder? And yet, it terrifies me. Most days I feel like I'm hanging on to life by a thread. There lurks a maelstrom in my head, always present, always threatening to erupt. I look in the mirror and wonder how I can be alive with the knowledge of her death.
I go through my life just marking time until I can do to sleep and escape reality. This life sucks. I have to visit my baby in a cemetary for the rest of my life - how long will that be? How long before the sight of her headstone stops stealing my breath upon sight? How long before I can wake up without the first thought being 'my baby is dead' and 'life fucking sucks.' How long before I can return to Sunday Mass without the vile anger I feel towards God for Kara's death? Never. I will never NOT be horrified by her death. The thought will never NOT take my breath away.
Infertility sucks. Living with infertility while grieving for your child, has to be one of life's best torments. I'm gearing up for another cycle (IVF#8) and I don't have much hope for a successful outcome. Even though we're going the DE route, I'm terrified that this cycle won't work, we won't get enough PGD-normal frosties to try again, and we'll have wasted HUGE amounts of money trying to get pregnant since Kara died, all without success. None of this will bring Kara back, but I'm hoping I can have a sibling or two (or ten) to help give me hope again. Children will give me a purpose and a reason for living again. Transfer is tenatively scheduled for the week before Thanksgiving. Here's hoping I have something to celebrate real soon.
7 comments:
I agree, IF sucks. I cannot imagine what losing Kara was like or having to live with that grief. I can tell you that DE is a great route, with great stats and most people get what they really desire - little one/s. I wish you all the luck in the world. I'll be here all the way and beyond
EB
I'm here, too. i know the debilitating anger and the gratitude of a day being over just simply having gotten through it.
I do have to laugh about your positive phrasing though, IF and loss of a child being "one of life's best torments".
i wish you all the success on the DE route. I'm terrified to get my hopes up with you for fear, sheer fear of rejection by the universe to hope just to be disappointed yet again. But I do and I will continue to do so, hope. And just for the record, you are a beautiful, wonderful, amazing person and don't you EVER blame yourself, because it's just not your fault. No. IT. ISN'T! Just to get that straight. We make our choices for sure, but what you have been going through is just a heap of bad luck. Period, nothing else. And you will be happy and a mom one day. Because you want to be and I want you to be a mom, too :-)
lots and lots of love to you
xxx Ines
PS from John, too!
PS I'm writing that book now, did you see? I know where they are...
Missing Kara and Fionn
Missing you, too. If only I could come and see you.
Hoping so, so hard for you.
xo
i am pissed off at god and the universe too. visiting our babies in a cemetery has got to be the cruelest nightmare ever.
hoping with you that kara will have a brother or sister soon. and you will get another chance at motherhood.
xox
DE is a fresh start...you will get there. 8 IVFs is one hell of a journey and there has just got to be a rainbow at the end of this path for you.
I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Your experience is so different from mine, but I hope soon we are able to both share in the experience of being pregnant at the same time in the very near future. Nice to know there is someone else out there transferring the same week as me. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Best of luck!
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