I'm having a hard time today. I'm fighting off 'the pit' with all that I have in me. It's hard work - all I want to do is to crawl back into bed and cry.
It's hard to say just what triggered it this time. Maybe it was the birth announcement from an acquanitance on Friday, and subsequently having to buy a gift for the baby that started me in this direction. Maybe it was my visit to her grave to place a beautiful Fall mum & pumpkin at the base of her monument. I thought it would feel good to take the pink geraniums away and replace them with beautiful Fall flowers and a pumpkin. It didn't feel good, though. It felt like decorating my baby's gravesite for yet another season without her. It's so morbid that I have to share the seasons, holidays and special occasions in this way, with my baby. It's so sad, and it makes me terribly angry.
Why does yet another mother get to take home her live child? Why me? Aliza writes about this in her recent post FREAK. I too, am angry every time I see a pregnant woman, or hear of another acquaintance who had their baby live and screaming. I'm so angry - why me? why my baby? why did it have to be us, who tried for so long to get pregnant, and wanted our baby so badly! why did it have to be me - I can't even get pregnant with my own baby again! It makes me crazy sometimes. I hate to sound this way - it horrifies me that I wish this tragedy on someone else. But it's just so painful - how do I go through life missing her so terribly much? How can I 'get on' with my life when I'm missing a part of me forever? My only biological child, and she is dead. It takes my breath away. I do, though. I wish it were someone else, and that I had my perfect little Kara in my arms where she belongs. Let it have happened to someone else who had other children. I know it's horrible - please no hate comments on this one. I'm being brutally honest here. I hate myself for thinking/feeling/saying it. But I wish people who suffer from infertility, who tried SO FUCKING HARD for their first child, would be spared from this tragedy. Aliza, Ines, Amy, Nancy, and many, many other babylost mama's who are struggling with the question - WHAT NOW? How do we go on from here, when we are all struggling with some form of infertility. Some of us have moved to adoption, some of us are still trying IVF, some of us are stuck in purgatory - unsure of how to live our lives now that our 'back-up' plan has failed. Some of us have no options left. What of us? How do we live like this, now that we've seen our beautiful child, have felt him or her in our arms, lifeless and cold? We have no other children to live for. We have no other genetic children to hope for. Why did this have to happen to us???
There are no answers and no solace today. I miss her so terribly much.
9 comments:
Oh Hon. It all sounds so terribly painful. I wish I could offer more than just words. My heart is with you.
Thinking of you.
EB
I am so sorry, **HUG** I love you so much my friend, I wish I could stop the pain.
oh I wish I had answers, but I can only sob with you when you are sobbing and fight with you when you're fighting and laugh with you despite everything, when you are laughing- despite everything!
big hug
xxoo Ines
it is all too f***ing unfair. there is no rhyme or reason to any of it. and that makes me even more angry. that it seemingly works out for most of the world but us. and yet, there is some comfort in knowing that we are not the only ones feeling this way. we are not alone in our grief and anger and sadness and freakiness.
i am with you
and sending love
xox
My heart is heavy with yours today. I am so sorry. For everything.
With love.
xo
it's fucked up. and wrong. and devastating. thinking of you and our beautiful daughters. wishing us all some "non-fleeting" peace.
love, nancy
I am so sorry for your loss. I came across your blog last year and was heartsick to read about what happened to you and Kara. My undergraduate alma mater, a Catholicd college, solicits prayer requests from alumni every year for the month of November in honor of All Souls Day, and I included Kara's name on my list of people to pray for. I just wanted you to know that Kara has touched the life of a twenty-something woman in central Indiana. She and you are in my thoughts. I pray there are happier times for you ahead.
I am so sorry Kara is not right there in your arms, where she belongs. Your pain and anguish over losing her cannot, and will not ever be matched by anything in your life. There is no comparison for losing your baby. It is an unnatural order.
Loss does happen to those who have other children. I am one of them. I can share with you that I have raw hurt, anger, and despair, too. I say this not to take anything away from your pain, but just to make the statement. I too wonder why? Why me? Why not the crackheads that cannot see past getting their next high? Why not the former friend of mine who proclaims that her son was an accident, out loud in a group of teachers and other parents, and when she found out she was pregnant yelled and screamed she did not want the baby? Why me, and why not her? Why you and not her? I cry everyday about losing my son. I find myself in that dark pit almost every day, sometimes I find my way out momentarily, other times I cannot see the surface. One child does not replace another. The hole in my heart will always be there. I am sorry, I am just so sorry. I wish I had an answer to all of this.
I hope your doing ok....the pit stinks!!! Ward it off sweetie!
Post a Comment