A Sad Christmas

It's been a crazy weekend - I truly feel bipolar most days.

While I am overjoyed to be pregnant again and finally on my way (once again) to having a family, I am overwhelmed with missing my daughter, especially during this holiday season. Everything around me reminds me that she is not here with us. The holidays just make it worse.

We are spending Christmas Eve and Day with my in-laws in CT. Each year, all of the cousins bring their families and we all celebrate Christmas Eve together. Besides the two youngest cousins, DH & I are the only couple without children. We will have DH's children from his first marriage, of course, but they are not mine. They don't live with us. Because they live with their horrible mother, we are not as close as we could have been. Anyway - the festivities will be loaded with children. Many of them the same age Kara would have been. One really corny tradition they do, is they bring the little children upstairs to sing Christmas carols while looking at the sky, looking for Santa's sleigh. When the sleigh bells ring downstairs, it means that Santa has come and everyone runs downstairs to open their gifts. I used to think it was ridiculous. Now that Kara is dead, I think it's so fucking sad that she will never be able to experience that. The children are so excited when they're upstairs singing carols, and when the sleigh bells ring, it's amazing to watch their faces when they run downstairs to start ripping open gifts. I feel like she has been cheated out of this silly tradition, and cheated out of such a wonderfully, close-knit family, that can get together every holiday and there is never any back-biting, never any arguments, never someone talking bad about another person. We're talking 50+ people here. It is amazing and I wish Kara could have been alive to witness it and to be a part of it. It brings tears to my eyes just knowing that she is missing from this important family holiday. I guess I feel cheated too.

I basically spent all day on Sunday in bed, sick with grief and longing. I know these days are going to be a part of my life from now on, but every time they hit me, I am still surprised by their intensity. Housework is ignored, errands are skipped, time is spent sleeping it off until a better day comes. Much like a hangover, in fact. It even lingers another day or two and I feel I can't get back to myself as quickly as I'd like.

I am pregnant, and that is something to be thankful for. I do have good news to share with our family this holiday season. At least I don't have to endure Christmas Eve with all of those families and children around, without knowing that I too, have a baby (babies?) on the way. It does give me hope. I hope these babies make it out alive. I am terrified - but that is for another post, another day.