18 months today

Today is the 18-month angelversary of Kara's death. I miss her today as much as the day she left us. I miss her with every fiber of my being - I can't even describe how much I miss this little person and what she brought to our lives.

I found out on Monday that I'm pregnant again. And I'm excited, and grateful, and overwhelmed (and still in shock). But guess what? The joy of my new pregnancy does not diminish my grief over losing my first child. I knew it wouldn't, but whenever one of my fellow babylost mama's blogged that she was pregnant, I immediately 'wrote them off' as being not like me anymore. They are getting over their grief and they have another baby to look forward to. I could not be more wrong. Being pregnant again definitely adds joy to my life, when I sorely needed it. I have hope again. I actually think I have a future, again. But I am also very sad that it's Christmas again, and my first child will not be here to enjoy it with the rest of the family. It breaks my heart that we have to decorate her grave, while her cousins get to open presents and play with their toys while she lies in her grave. There are 3 or 4 babies on my husband's side of the family who were born within weeks of Kara's death. I will have to face all of them on Christmas Eve, without my child there. It will be brutal. The only thing getting me through this holiday season, is knowing that I am pregnant again and that I am moving forward....not standing still mired in grief. I am still grieving, and I always will be. I will never 'get over' Kara's loss, nor will I ever be able to accept her death fully and be at peace with it. It will always tear my heart wide open.

We decided to decorate the house this year and to put up a tree. We didn't celebrate the holiday last year because of Kara's death, and it was an impossibly difficult time for both of us. I remember watching 'El Torino' in the theatre on Christmas Day, and crying throughout the whole movie, every time I remembered it was Christmas and that my baby was dead. It just kept coming back to slap me every time I thought about anything else for one minute. This year we will celebrate the holiday with family, knowing that while we grieve for Kara, we are also blessed with another pregnancy and some hope for our future. I hope it makes the season a bit more bearable.

I have not fogotten, nor has this pregnancy healed my grief. But it has made life a bit more happy and given us something to look forward to besides death. It has given us hope again. It has given us life.