Pregnant Ramblings

It's been a few weeks since my last post. The morning sickness has kicked in full-force and lasts all day. Thank goodness I work from home and can 'hide' from bosses and customers most days. Seriously, I am feeling miserable. Happy to be pregnant, but feeling like shit pretty much all the time. The nausea lasts most of the day and into the evening, but has let up some since my PIO shots stopped last Friday - phew. Now I'm only ill from 2pm - 7pm instead of 'upon waking until going to bed.'

I would like to update all of my IF and babylost mama friends on my pregnancy, but I find this blog difficult to write about my updates in. I feel guilty that I'm using Kara's space to talk about my new pregnancy. I feel guilty if I appear too happy in my pregnant state, as my dear firstborn is dead. I know she doesn't want me to be sad all the time, but I log onto this blog and see her beautiful picture, and my good mood turns to tears and sadness. I know it's part of being full of hormones right now, but it's still a difficult thing to manage: grief and a new pregnancy.

As of today, I'm 10weeks, 2 days post 5dt. I'm really looking forward to the 2nd trimester - this nausea is killing me. I don't actually vomit, I am just nauseous all day and wish I could drink an alka-seltzer. My boobs feel like softballs, hard and large. My belly is fat and soft, not yet showing any baby(ies) but definitely pushing everything out to make room for the twins in that uterus of mine. I read online that with a singleton, your uterus at 10 weeks is the size of a cantaloupe. How about with twins? I can't fit into any of my normal clothes, so I'm up one size at this point and probably will be up another size by next week. I can't wait for maternity clothes! The 2nd trimester is the best. Your energy and appetite is back, you have a cute, hard baby belly and look great in maternity clothes, and everything is peachy. 1st trimester sucks. Sickness, fatness, clothes don't fit (regular or maternity) and exhaustion. 3rd trimester is no picnic either, but it still beats the 1st, for sure. And at least you know the end is near.

I feel like I've DONE all of this already. I made it to 37.5 weeks and my baby died. I don't know how I'm going to get through this pregnancy, but so far I'm doing well by not stressing out. I think I'm not getting too excited, either. We have agreed NOT to do anything with the spare room until they arrive alive. DH will put the cribs together while I'm in recovery. No preparations will be taken until they are here, screaming in my arms. He'll probably even run out to buy a second car seat while I'm in the hopsital. Friends and family have been instructed NO GIFTS. NOTHING. If the baby boy has to wear pink for a while, then he does. I am not having a beautiful nursery all set up, with soft laundered baby clothes neatly in drawers, and adorable happy birds on the sheets and blankets, with bassinet all set up, just to come home again without a baby and have to heartbreakingly put it all away. I have been pretty good about not being too invested in this pregnancy. I KNOW I'm pregnant, but I still can't picture myself with a live baby at the end (let alone 2.) That just doesn't seem possible to me. DH on the other hand, is starting to get emotionally invested. Every day he asks how everyone is. Every night he says 'goodnight everybody.' Every few days he talks about how it will be when we have twins here. It's sweet. But I am not there yet. I am terrified of losing another child.

DH says to enjoy the moment, enjoy the pregnancy, because sometimes that's all we have. He's right, of course. When pregnant with Kara, I was pretty miserable the first and third trimesters. After she died, I felt so guilty and shitty for complaining during my pregnancy. Let's face it folks, pregnancy sucks. It is no fun. It is hard work and exhausting. But, I will try to enjoy it the best I can, because this may be all I ever get.