Today, I'm 22 weeks pregnant. Last week I felt gentle tapping from inside...this week I'm feeling stronger, more insistent kicking and movement. It's exciting and reassuring to feel my babies moving inside of me. Yesterday, I could actually feel them with my hands on my belly. It's an amazing feeling, I had forgotten how that felt.
I have been going through this pregnancy without expectations and without thinking too far ahead. I take each day one at a time, and am thankful for the time I have with them. Last time, I had the nursery completely done up in pink and green with happy little birds as Kara's nursery theme. Clothes and bedding were bought, the shower was planned and practically every thought I/we had was for when she arrived. We had weddings & family gatherings to bring her to. We imagined strolling her in her stroller on the beach walk in front of our house. We joked about how she would be; we're both stubborn and were difficult babies. When we didn't get to bring her home, the nursery was a room of broken dreams for us. I would enter the room, shortly after returning from the hospital and break down in giant heaving sobs. I surely wanted to die. I could not imagine a pain greater than that of losing a child. The first year after her death, is pretty much a blur to me. I remember much sadness and despair, emotional pain so sever it bordered on the physical.
This time, we are more practical. We don't talk about 'when' they come home. We don't look at nursery bedding or themes, we don't even talk about names, really. We've had the discussion that the boy will be named after one of our fathers, but that's where it's ended. No girl names and no planning ahead. The only thing I have done, is look at double strollers. Even then, nothing was purchased or planned. There will be no baby shower, no christening plans, nothing. We have Kara's crib and my best friend is giving me her other crib, but DH won't assemble them until I've given birth. I don't blame him. It was brutal having to take everything down when she died.
This time, I take each day as it comes. I am extremely grateful for the kicks and flutters, grateful for the discomfort of pregnancy (because let's be honest, pregnancy is no walk in the park.) I am grateful for every day they are alive, and that I am carrying them.
In the last 2 weeks, several babylost mamas have given birth to their rainbow babies. When I saw pictures of Aliza's baby boy, I actually thought for the first time, that this could be real for me too. What a wonderful feeling - to see some glimmer of hope on the horizon. I will keep this hope alive and with me at all times. I won't get my hopes up too high, but I will use that flicker to propel me forward and keep me in good spirits.
So it's 22 weeks down and 14 to go. I'm pretty excited to get to the end....I can't wait to meet my new babies.
10 comments:
My husband is the same. No name talk, no plans, no changes etc. Until this week. Something changed. But then, we haven't gone through an nano-second of your pain and grief.
I am so happy that you can feel the little lemons and that each day you feel present in the pregnancy. I wish I could be there with you, just to walk beside you.
Eb
Hey B! We were talking about the bump babies this morning and John was asking, how many more weeks?
We're thrilled with you, for you. One day at a time is right, now and forever.
Still, I will always miss Kara, always miss Fionn and yet grateful I've found you and we are friends.
all our love
xx I&J
Over half way! That has gone fast for me (but not for you, I know!)
Counting down the seconds with you now.
xo
I think taking things day by day is really all any of us can do, for almost every situation. As painfully basic as that sounds, the present is all we have. I'm sorry that you can't blissfully plan for the future, but I am happy that today, you are happy.
Hugs.
Hi Babette,
I remember feeling so similarly to how you are now. Not allowing myself to buy anything, plan anything, be certain of anything.. And coincidentally, the only thing I did allow myself to do was look at strollers! It was safe, somehow, and it was how I dipped my toe back into the 'believing it could happen' world. I am glad it is going well for you so far. I know it means little until they are in your arms. I'm glad to be able to follow you on this journey. Much love,
Steph
How exciting to feel them move!! Praying for you always and sending hugs!!
Hi, Kara's Mom. You've been to my blog before. I'm not sure if I ever commented on your blog, but it's time. I stumbled across your blog shortly after you lost Kara. I read your heart-wrenching posts and I sobbed. I looked at Kara's pictures, and I could not fathom losing a baby so late in pregnancy. I tried, but could not grasp, the reality of it all. When I became pregnant last summer (via embryo adoption) there was always lurking in the back of my mind your story and that THERE IS NO SAFE POINT in a pregnancy. I had this crazy fear that if I read your blog, if I looked at Kara's photos, if I read your reflections during my pregnancy, then IT COULD HAPPEN TO ME. My heart has been quietly with you all these months; I've seen your comments on blogs here and there, and I am delighted to know you are pregnant with twins. I just wanted to finally say that I hope and wish and pray the best for you, your pregnancy and your family. I'm sorry you can't enjoy preparing for your babies' arrival the way you planned and enjoyed it for Kara - but I understand, and I know that once your little ones arrive safely, there will be much celebrating! Love and prayers.
Ironically, that is what I did the first time around, so this time, I bought something new every week to mark the week going by.
You know, little babies don't need much, and the internets will provide.
Just keep on doing what you are doing! I wish you all the very best...
Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so very happy for you and pray for the safe arrival of your precious twins. I could have written your same post while carrying my first rainbow baby. I did the same - took one day at a time and whatever else it took to keep sane. Big hugs to you, DH and the babies. Remembering Kara always.
Rachel
so glad all is well/...
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