So here I am, at 25-1/2 weeks. I'm so grateful to be pregnant, and to be having twins. My life was pretty much over when I lost Kara. I really never thought I'd get pregnant again and I thought I'd have to suffer through years of adoption trials without ever getting a baby in my arms. Honestly, I could not live like that. We all make our decisions when we suffer with IF. Some women would never use donor egg, others would never use donor sperm. Still others would never go the donor embryo route, and some could not consider adoption. For me, it was only a question of which route to choose in which order. I wanted a family by any means. And I'm so grateful to be here, just 10-1/2 weeks from my scheduled due-date.
But that doesn't mean I'm 'home free'. As baby-loss parents, we are reluctant to speak of names and to think too far into the future. We don't talk about 'when they're here' but rather 'if they are born alive.' It's not macabre, it's just reality. With Kara, we had the nursery completely ready for her, weeks before her arrival. We were so ready for her. Everything was ready. We even made plans for the entire summer, anticipating her at weddings and family functions. I can't even begin to express the darkness we endured that summer when she died. I remember walking past the nursery and just falling apart, over and over again. The sweet crib with her bird bedding, the precious clothes we had laid out to bring her home in. The new stroller & car seat that would never be used. It was heartbreaking. One day, we had to pack everything away and change that room into a spare bedroom again, because I thought I was going to lose my mind. We painted and DH put the crib and furniture away, out of sight. Stroller and car seat went out of sight. Everything, was out of sight. We spent the rest of the summer in seclusion, with the blinds drawn and the phone turned off, crying and holding each other as we intermittently broke down with the reality of our empty lives. I remember finally seeing my psychiatrist out of desperation, and after waiting 2 hours in the waiting room, practically losing my fucking mind in his office. When I went out to the car, DH witnessed what I believe, was a total nervous breakdown. I have never felt so out of control. I thought that acute grief would never end and I would never be happy again.
But here I am, almost 2 years later, 10-1/2 weeks from giving birth to twins by DE. I have ordered the bassinetts and that's it. I have one crib, and a matching crib is coming from my girlfriend within the next couple of weeks. I have all of Kara's things packed away, and have ordered a bedding set for the baby boy. I cannot do more than this. In fact, the only thing we'll set up before we go to the hospital, are the bassinetts. I wouldn't even do that, except I'm having a c-section and my DH is not mechanically inclined - I'll need those set up for my arrival home. My brother can set up the cribs after the babies arrive alive.
I am going out on leave 5 weeks early, because it's getting too difficult for me to go see my customers. I can't sit at my desk for 8 hours a day and go home - my job involves a high amout of customer contact. Problem is, I want to spend those 5 weeks nesting, and I can't. I am terrified that I'll have the nursery all set up, and have to endure looking at another empty nursery in the event we don't bring home two live babies. What am I do to with myself for 5 weeks?
I am terrified to nest, yet the compulsive planner in me wants me to. I want to break out all of my baby-stuff and take inventory. I know that realistically, I need to do this. Even if I don't set everything up, I should have it all organized in storage and ready to be set out when I arrive home. I won't be able to go out 'shopping' for necessities once they are here - heck, I could barely get around the house the first few days after coming home last time.
Any thoughts/suggestions for me?
11 comments:
I can only offer the little bit of thoughts I've allowed myself when imagining the big "If". What if our adoption journey leads to a match and that match leads to a placement and that means we actually bring a baby home. When will I allow myself to convert the guest room once again into a baby room? When will it be safe? What a scary thought. Like you, Liam's room was set up and read months before he was born. Everything washed and folded, diapers in their bin, wipes ready to be used, a handmade mobile floating above the crib...
I don't have a great answer for you other than listen to the love in your heart and not the fear. If you want to nest, nest. Preparing for the worst by not allowing yourself to enjoy this pregnancy is not fair to you or the babies. Let yourself do what it is the love in your heart wants rather than the fear and grief.
I am trying to walk on that fine line of "anything is possible" meaning not falling off into the world of Despair or flying into the world of false Hope either. Maybe you can seek out that fine line too, if only for moments here and there.
I wish you luck and peace and love.
your post brought me to tears. now that i have a live beautiful baby, i think i feel the loss even deeper. having everything ready for our first babies and never having them come home with us is the worst nightmare to endure.
i didn't do much to get ready this time, since he was 6 weeks early. but i did do a lot of nesting just getting my house and stuff organized and it felt good. i hope that you can find some peace and calm in these last weeks/months until you meet your babies.
sending you love
xoxo
I don't feel like I can give advice only to say that perhaps buying and storing things at a friends house might work. Buy the things you know you are going to need on line and have them delivered to your friends house. That way you know you have them, you just don't have to deal with the stress of them.
Hope that helps.
Eb
I don't have any words of wisdom or advice, but I just wanted to say I am holding you in my thoughts, and holding your babies in my thoughts, and just mustering up all the positive energy in the world that you bring home two beautiful healthy babies.
HUGS.
I can relate so, so much. I'll never forget the darkness of those first early months.
xo
You know something, little babies don't need so much and in the age of the internets, really, you can order anything you need.
My mom did a lot of washing and organising, I ordered the rest online, and never once stopped to think too much about it. You'll still feel overwhelmed by admin, no matter what.
The important thing is to get yourself in a position to enjoy your newborns, as it just goes soooooo fast.
After Nicholas and Sophia died, we took Alexander's pregnancy very... quietly. When we lost him, it was so hard because I felt like I hadnt enjoyed every single second... That fear and taken over. So, with Bobby and Maya, even though I feared losing them, I did everything that I could do with the idea that they would make it into viable territory and we would bring them home safely. Although it was hard, I am so glad that I did and that I took time to enjoy the small things.
I know how you feel. Its so hard to let go of the fear. And in fact, I still haven't. I agree with the comment that little babies don't need much - sounds like what you are doing to be "ready" will be just fine. And maybe you will feel like doing more when you go out on leave. Or maybe not. There's no right or wrong way. I am thinking of you and your babies and sending lots of positive energy your way.
Personally, I share Amy and Michele's ideas.
We all know how very difficult it is to remain hopeful after experiencing such tremendous and debilitating loss(es).
However, it is because of the unknown that one should at least try to find some balance with current pregnancy, so as not to have too much regrets however the out-come.
I'm very happy you're at 25+ weeks and counting.
I pray for the very best for you and the twins.
Stay strong.
Many blessings,
A.
There is no right or wrong way to do this ... do what you feel you need to ... but remember to enjoy these moments with your twins as much as you can. Praying for you and yours as you enter this last phase of pregnancy!
Lots of love, sweetie. You can cross stitch some surly messages to pass the time. Do you want me to send you a couple of kits? Maybe you can watch the entire series of BSG like I did in the last few weeks of pg. I'm thinking about you and all three of your sweet babies every day. xoxoxoxo
Post a Comment