Tomorrow will be 6 weeks. We are living in chaos, and as a Type A person who LOVES order and rigidity, I am falling apart.
Twins are sleeping in the living room, wherever they can get comfortable. Be it the couch, their swings or on our shoulders, in our laps. Seriously? Anything for some peace.
DH and I are still taking shifts. Admittedly, he is taking 75% of the burden here - I am a wreck. Today I fell apart once again in a sobbing mess while trying to take a much-needed nap. I am stressing about doing everything wrong with the babies. Every book I read and every twin mommy I speak to, says I need to have them on a schedule already. They are 6 weeks old, 2 weeks adjusted. Come on. Seriously? A schedule? I can't even feed them at the same time to give my life a little bit or order, because now we have new problems. My son has such horrific gas that he takes 2 hours to eat 4 ounces. How the fuck do you deal with that? My daughter will eat, burp, get changed, play and go back to sleep all in that time. In the meantime, my son is screaming and writing in pain, batting the bottle away while rooting a moment later because he's hungry, but his tummy hurts. He used to be a champion burper/farter. Now, it takes forever to get his gas up (expect when he sleep feeds during the night -thankfully.) There is not much time during the 24 hour day that someone is NOT holding a baby. I love them to death. But this is very trying.
The chaos is eating me up inside. I feel like a failure because my life is out of control. After waking up from a short nap sobbing this afternoon, my husband talked me into a xanax and going back on my anti-depressants. I agreed. As much as I've tried to resist, I cannot handle this without anti-d's. Another failure, another weakness. He wants me to get as much sleep as I can during this time so that I can be at 100% again. Once I'm at 100%, he says I'll be able to handle this and he will be able to look for work. More pressure. I constantly worry about when he'll get to sleep and I wake up in a panic thinking it's time for him to rest. He assures me he doesn't need the amount of sleep that I do. I feel guilty.
I go back to work in 4 weeks. I will work from home though for the first 2 weeks, so I will actually start getting back on the road with clients when they're 12 weeks old. more pressure.
I'm also unsure of my nanny. She is unable to handle them both throughout the day, and routinely interrupts me while trying to get even a 1-hour nap during the day, if they're both crying at the same time. On one hand, I want that. I hate when my babies cry and I am eager to jump to the rescue. However, babies cry. And she will be full time in September when I go back to work. What will she do then? How will she be able to handle them when I'm not here? I'm freaking out. Do I need a new nanny? Do I need to screen and interview all over again? shit. DH thinks she can handle it and that I need to set limits with her. I just don't know. I think I need to let her figure it out. But it's very hard to do when they're my babies. The guilt eats me up.
I'm reading too many baby books and reading too many twin mommy boards. Everyone says to do this and do that, etc and so on. But at 6 weeks, I'm finding it's pretty much impossible to do these things. I have to try to live through each day the best I can. Feed, change, bathe, play, soothe. As long as I can do these things for them, that's what I need to focus on. Both babies are growing very well (over 10lbs each now) and that's the main point. I need to stay focused on that because evrything else is overwhelming me.
I look like shit. My hair needs to be colored, I'm fat and I look & feel 100 years old. I have no time to get to the hairdresser - if I have a free hour & a half, I want to sleep and do laundry. I can't eat a decent meal because there's no freakin tim where one of us isn't holding a baby. And even when I do manage to cook - who wants to clean up afterwards? I need a facial. I need highlights. I need to relax. I need sleep. I need I need. But I need to take care of these precious little people I've been entrusted with. I've been blessed and I need to keep this in perspective.
I have to accept my limitations - and this is nearly impossible for me.
DH's stepchildren are still here and help him with the babies until 1 or 2am, thankfully. I will avail myself of this luxury and go to bed now and sleep until I feel like it. Even if I wake up in a panic at 2am.
8 comments:
Oh honey. It will all be okay. And it WILL get better, as trite as that sounds. 6 weeks was our most hellish period too, because of reflux. We had NO schedule at that point because babies cried 24/7 (or it seemed like it). Keep in mind that colic peaks around 6 weeks, so you might be feeling the brunt of that too.
What have you tried for the gas? Mylicon at every bottle? Gripe water? A different bottle or nipple size? I've heard that Playtex Ventaire is good for decreasing gas, and so is Dr. Brown. Are you sure it is completely gas related, and not reflux? Does he arch his back? Spit up a lot? The screaming/crying mid-bottle but still being hungry and taking a long time to eat could all point to reflux. Email me if you want more help figuring out what to do if it might be reflux and I can help you out more.
Take a step back and STOP reading the twin books. They were all written by someone who had "easy" twins and were above average successful. Have you seen all the unrealistic things they talk about like hiring a night nanny? For the average population that isn't possible and right there tells you they weren't sleep deprived. Plus, you don't have time for that anyway- it will just stress you out more. With the time you have used to read books, use it to improve your mental health instead. You'll get more out of that time anyway. Trust me- there were more times than I can count that I felt like a failure, and times when I cried right along with my babies. You are not. Twins are really hard. The fact that the nanny isn't really doing spectacular on her own should be proof to you that it would be hard for ANYONE. But you CAN do this, and it will get easier, very soon. In the meantime, going back to work soon will help give you a breather during the day. The nanny will get better at it, and if you still have bad feelings about her competency in a few weeks, then tackle that problem then.
Also- I didn't get my hair cut and colored until this week since the babies were born, and they are almost FIVE months old. So six months without even a trim. Give yourself a break. Your twins are only 6 weeks old. I know I WAS fat still at that point- and here I am, less than 5 lbs to go right now to pre-preg weight without the benefit of breastfeeding. You feel like you are 100 years old because you are sleep deprived and stressed. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture method.
Your babies are doing well- 10 lbs! Give youself a pat on the back. I know beyond a doubt you are doing a good job. Hang in there. And go get some sleep guilt free.
I've been reading for awhile but never commented but I had to comment tonite. You are not doing anything wrong. You're a new mother of course everything will seem difficult but do not feel guilty please! Stop reading the message boards, as hard as it may seem, I did it as well. Follow your heart, your instincts. I don't think babies this young can be on a schedule because it can change from week to week, day to day.
Gripe water worked wonders for my daughter, massaging his legs in a bicylce motion can help.
Hang in there, vent away to your readers and take deep breaths. It will get better.
like Gabriella, I have been reading for over a year now but never commented but something in your post moved me to do so. STOP! Just stop... stop reading the twin boards, the twin books, stop listening to advice. Listen to yourself, your hubby and your babies. One thing every single baby book that is worth ANYTHING states is that all babies are different. You know your babies best. You KNOW what's best... if they are not on a schedule yet, that's probably b/c that is the best thing for them.
i really hope things get easier soon. I agree with Once Upon a Time that you are probably at the 6 week fusiness peak and things will likely get much, much easier soon. But please, don't add more stress b/c you are not following some protocol that worked for some other person.
I wish you the best, some sleep and less pressure.
I am amazed you lasted to 6 weeks to reach for teh drugs - here I am in week 2 and I was advised to double my dosage!
I have no advice since I am barely coping myself just know that you're not alone in your feelings or stress or feeling 'wtf did I do !'
We shall emerge from this stronger mums and with lots of battle stories to torture our kids with.
Thinking of you.
Eb
I don't have twin experience, but I do hear the desperation in your voice. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. At 10 pounds, the babies sound like they are doing great. And yes, of course you have needs too. Don't worry about your hair or the facial - first you need sleep, food and peace. So you're right to take a nap if you have a free hour.
Has the pediatrician seen your son about the gas issue? Maybe he needs a different formula? As a former pediatric nurse, I can tell you that in the hospital, we used mylicon drops to help with gas. We also would put a warm blanket on baby's tummy to help relax and move gas along. You can put some baby blankets in the dryer for a couple of minutes, just be sure they're not too hot. Finally, you can try rubbing his tummy in gentle circles (start at his right hip, rub gently across to the left, then down and circle back to the right hip). This is the direction food digests, and you may help move things along that way. Rub the tummy and alternate with bringing his knees up toward his chest.
Not every baby is text book. Not everyone is on a schedule at 6 weeks. You have about 17 years and 46 weeks to work on things, so don't feel like you have to get it all down pat right now. We are ALL a bit lost, struggling to figure things out, and worrying about our own unmet needs - even those of us with only one baby to tend to. So please don't think you are alone.
Survival. That is what it is about. And you are doing it - you are doing better than survival - your babies are thriving.
You definitely need to take care of you. Whatever that means for you.
This is just my assvice - so I am sorry if it stresses you out even more - but what do you think about daycare? There are multiple people and the babies are always taken care of. I go to work and I think about them but I never, ever worry about them not getting good care. I was really afraid to leave one person with both of my babies, especially since my little man is quite a handful.
Take it easy on yourself - you have been to hell and back - and on top of that, postpartum hormones are a total nightmare.
My son's colic (what I thought was gas, reflux, etc. - I tried everything for him) did not really start to get better until 10-12 weeks - he is like a different baby now.
Did you say bathing??? I only gave the babies baths once or twice a week in the beginning per my pediatrician.
((HUGS))
You'll get through this, I promise. Reflux made my life hell for the first 12 weeks, maybe longer. That will suck for you to hear now, as you'll think oh great, only half way there. But seriously, and everyone will say this, it goes SO FAST. Angus is nine months already. Can you believe that? I can't. It feels like just yesterday when I was where you are - a complete and utter wreck.
I read a lot, but I have stopped now. Stopped it all. I gave the books away and stopped Googling. And for what it is worth, we're still not really on a routine. We still fly by the seat of our pants most days. Some swear by routines, but for me it has never really worked. It really depends on your baby. And in your case, babies.
I feel for you so much and wish I could come and help you. Hold a baby or two while you napped. I would do it for you in a heartbeat.
Chin up.
xo
I am sorry things are chaotic for you right now with the babies. Our ONE baby is 1 month old, and your scenario sounds so familiar...and I only have 1 baby to deal with. She is constantly needing something, never allowing me to get anything else done. I would like to know of these people who have their babies on schedules so young!
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