Monday, the twins will be 12 weeks. In my mind, 12 weeks was some magical milestone...they would sleep through the night, be on the same feed/sleep schedule, be in their cribs, and generally be easier to be alone with. I really thought I wouldn't need as much help as I did when they were younger.
But I do. I need the help. I have a nanny during the work week, but otherwise we're on our own. No one is helping me except one girlfriend who doesn't have kids of her own yet. We used to be best friends...for 15 years, in fact. We moved across country together and then moved back East 10 yrs later together. We lost contact 5 yrs ago when she wouldn't enter rehab for her alcoholism and we recently reconnected and long story short - she is here every Sunday to help. She is an angel. But you'd think my own mother would help out. Every Saturday I call to ask for her help and she has some bullshit plans...one time it was 'Yard-saling with Aunt L, another time it was some other stupid shit. My mom is retired. You'd think she would find it in her heart to come and help out and NOT make trouble for me & my husband. About 6 weeks ago I wrote a post on how she was coming here to "Help" and actually made things worse. A normal person would just come and help her daughter with twins. My mom has decided to fuck me and not help at all. I'm so frustrated and angry with her and I feel so abandoned. I can't afford the nanny on weekends or evenings and I'm just overloaded.
One of my girlfriends came up yesterday, G, who has 3 kids of her own, all under 8. She is very busy with all of their extra-curricular activities and can't really help. But, she did offer some advice that I think may help save my sanity. It may be time to put them in their cribs a few times a day and let them cry a little bit so I can get something done, or even have a few moments to myself. When DH wakes up today (he's on the night shift) we are putting the second crib together in another room, and they are going into their cribs. I know I'll be crying when they cry, but I really think my sanity ultimately depends on them being able to get naps during the day.
Any advice? I am so confused and insecure about my parenting abilities. I think I need some advice from other moms. help.
14 comments:
I think that your friend sounds wise. Babies need their sleep just as much as their mummies. You will feel so much more capable when you have had some rest. I hope you do.
Is there such thing as a Twin association where you live? You could meet other mothers of twins and get some support that way.
Yes! cribs are wonderful!! They will cry but if they are like mine they cry whether or not they are cuddled or swaddled etc. I know they are safe and as my brother pointed out - close the door walk away and they will probably sort it out.
I found that with one of the kids swaddling and a passy is the key - he'll settle in a while and sleep. The other is just a pain but singing helps.
I also have a 'crib lights and sound soother' - we got the cheapest and it works fine. You know what I mean - the little fish swim around and it can play annoying nursery songs!
Last idea - lavender oil & aniseed tea. My nanny suggested putting lavender oil on the sheet and drinking aniseed tea to help with calming the kids and self. They have worked so far.
if you want to chat I am here for you ;-)
e
I completely agree with others that its time (and ok) to start habituating them to their cribs. It may be rocky at first and you'll have to find your way with it, but it will be good all the way around.
I also agree to look into either Parents of Multiples or Mothers of Multiples to see if there is a chapter in your area (both are GREAT resources).
Finally, as to your mother, you wrote, "help her daughter with her twins". Does your mother not see them as her grandchildren? Maybe she needs to be clued in that they are her family, too.
My parents, in their 70s live just down the street from us. I get no help from them because they are busy co-parenting my sisters two children. It is a choice they have made and I learned early on NOT to count on them EVER. And so, 3 1/2 years into it, my son goes weeks to months without seeing them and while I think it is a shame and I have some degree of bitterness about it, and it's of no help to me, it is ultimately on them, the choices they make. I have 4 occasional sitters ($12 - $14/hr) and THEY are my lifeline.
It really sucks at first, but yes try the cribs. I have found that the best way is to stop letting them fall asleep in your arms (or swing, or whatever)...let them learn that sleep is an on your own type of thing. I was never a big cry it out person...so I would wait until I knew (for sure) they were about to fall asleep and then put them into their cribs. They usually wouldn't have the stamina to cry for too long (so it didn't break my heart). With my kids I never let them cry it out if they weren't REALLY tired (ie about to fall asleep anyway). You don't want the cribs to be a 'bad place' or a battle zone. I found one of those relaxing CDs that plays meditation music and would play that every time they went into their cribs...after a few weeks all they would have to do was hear that music and they would yawn...conditioning, LOL. At one point I used this technique with a daycare I owned and people would laugh that all the kids would be asleep at once.
Best advice...be consistant, don't use the cribs for anything but sleep and don't make it a battle ground.
Question for other Moms of multiples...is it best for them to be on their own or in a crib together? I have friends that have done both...sometimes the two together soothe each other.
Good luck...hang in there.
You definitely need time for you - and here is some assvice:
1) I agree with consistency - use the cribs for sleep only and do not let it be a big drama - they will totally pick up on that.
2) I separated mine at 12 weeks because of their mobility - he would roll over on her and I was scared.
3) WHITE NOISE, WHITE NOISE, WHITE NOISE - get the long program on Itunes and play it all night long on repeat.
4) I do not use cry it out - however, I do not pick them up (unless they are soaked, pooped or sick) but I do get them a pacifier and pat their bums when they get up in the middle of the night until they are soothed enough to put themselves back to sleep.
5) I have a girlfriend IRL who was having the same issues as you - finally, her pediatrician told her to stop feeding them, picking them up, etc. in the middle of the night - she stayed strong and it only took a few nights - they did use cry it out though and it was a long few nights.
6) My little man has been like a different baby since he has been sleeping more - I agree with the commenter who said they need it as much as you - if not more!
7) Definitely get a routine - the same thing every single night. We get them in their pajamas, then we give them their bottle, then I rock each of them until they are really drowsy or sleeping and then I rock the next one...every single night, the same thing, in the same order - they will get it and figure out that it is time for sleepy time.
((HUGS))
I'm so sorry your mom turned her back on you. When you need her most. I would be angry too. So, how to cope? Well, first ease up on yourself. There will probably never be an "easy" time with babies. Honey, stop holding your breath waiting for it. Neither 12 weeks nor any other age is magical in the way you were hoping. Caring for a baby (or two!) is wonderful, fulfilling, amazing - and downright exhausting! It takes every minute of the day.
I've come to terms with the facts: (1) I will be perpetually sleep deprived for at least the next year or so, (2) If I don't manage to bathe the baby today, I'll do it tomorrow - in other words, let go of tasks that are not life and death; (3) a little crying never hurt anybody; and (4) there are chores that simply won't get done today. Once I accepted these things, it made day to day coping easier.
So yes, when you need it, put them in the cribs and go BREATHE. Also, you can simply strap them into the bouncy seats in front of (gasp!) the TV (Nick Jr. has cute, colorful, musical programs) and go wash the dishes or do what you need to do. On weekends, when you don't have help, do only what is essential and wait till Monday when the nanny is back to get other things done.
At some point, you will find a rhythm. Really. It won't look textbook perfect - nobody's does - but it will WORK. That's the goal. Love and hugs.
I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, I have zero advice, just sympathy and the deep down belief, this too shall pass and things will get better.
Love to you
Ines
No advice either, despite having been there. Just love and hugs. I had the same thoughts about 12 weeks and like you, was totally wrong on all fronts! It was still hard!
Please email if you just want to dump or vent. I am here for you.
xo
I'm not so big a fan of letting the children cry by themselves in a crib this young. It's not good for their brains or emotional development at this young of an age.
To be honest, I told my husband this morning that last year was AWFUL. Just AWFUL. This is it's A LOT BETTER.
Have you found this website on developmental psychology applied to parenting, from the mother of twins?
http://www.isabelagranic.com/bed-timing/
It's not 12 weeks. It's probably closer to 14 weeks. And then you hit the 4 month developmental spurt where everything goes to hell. That lasts about a month.
And then...it gets better. They ARE going to sleep. They are GOING TO STOP CRYING. I PROMISE YOU this. I promise you like I can promise the sun is going to shine.
How is walking around outside with them in a stroller? How is carrying one in a sling while the nanny carries the other in a sling? How is running the vacuum cleaner for hours at a time? How is riding in a car when they are getting sleepy?
It's awful now. It's going to get better. Hang in there and do whatever you can to stay sane and keep the babies safe. One day after another and eventually it will get to "Good."
Also, ditto with bwurb from above. Have you tried not doing ANYTHING? I don't know if that's where you are, and god knows I remember wanting a shower...just 20 minutes by myself....once or twice a week.
I didn't get it. (Big fight with DH on that).
But now I do! I shower nearly every day now!!
Hang in there, honey. Keep yourself sane and it is going to get better.
That sounds like good advise to me! I have two adopted children that are 3 months apart, we were able to bring them both home from the hospital after birth. After my son came home (the second) life got crazy for a while and I tried to be everything to both of them all the time. I soon realized that wasn't possible and that it was important for me to be able to do the dishes, take a bath, or something that was not for the babies! They did get put in their cribs once in the morning and once in the afternoon and if they cried the cried and if they slept WHAT A BLESSING! It was really hard on Mama to hear them cry at first, but they got used to their crib time after a while and we all were much happier! Good luck!
I agree with the routine suggestions. The sooner you get them in their cribs and on a sleeping routine, the sooner you will feel relief. I'm sorry about your mom. Maybe she'll come around soon.
I hope you get some rest and a routine soon. It's hard work, but it's worth it.
xoxox - C
don't know if i have any advice, but...
have you read/saw dvd of the happiest baby on the block?
do you have a moby wrap that you can put them in on your chest and walk around/rock them? there are ways to have both babies in one sling i believe...
how about stroller rides? or driving? to sleep.
i just started reading the no cry sleep solution, i think she's got some good ideas and it's not cry it out
you can also email me if you like
sending you love
and so sorry about your mom not being there for you and her grandchildren, that really sucks
xoxo
I only have one, but can relate. I feel like I have no help. My in laws only live about 45 mins away and they don't offer to come. It makes me feel resentful.
My little Nora is very fussy too. Still hardly sleeps. And is on prevacid for reflux, too. I'm glad you're getting a little system going and that you're getting a bit of help and sleep. Hang in there. It has to get easier, right?
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