Back to Square One

Yesterday I saw a new Psychiatrist. The last one kind of pissed me off so I found a new one. After discussing my loss and describing my grief and resulting mood swings, he asked me a question that I still can't get out of my mind. He asked "What was your family life like as a child?" I asked "With respect to...specifically?" (I had no idea what this had to do with grief over the loss of my daughter.) He replied "Having a family, getting married. Was it ever discussed at home? Did your parents expect you to have a family?" I replied "Not really. It wasn't expected and it wasn't really discussed. I thought I didn't want children until about 5 years ago when I was 35." "Do you have a lot of guilt about that?" I replied "yes." He said "How much of that is driving this need to have a child?" WTF? Here's how I heard it: "Why did you wait so long to have your first child? What the fuck is wrong with you???"

Do I have a lot of guilt about waiting to have children until I was ready? I didn't get married until I was 36! At 37 we began trying to conceive and 18 months of infetility treatments later, I conceived. 9 months later, I lost my daughter just 12 days before her due date.

YES I FEEL GUILTY. I feel like shit. I've wasted my fertile years and worry that I'll never have a live child of my own. I always thought there would be time. I thought once we stopped using contraception, we'd get pregnant. I was stupid and naive. Yes, I feel guilty. Thanks for bringing that up for me to obsess over, again. I am 40 and still trying to conceive using my own, old eggs. I am desperate to have a live child. Desperate to have my daughter back, alive. Desperate to turn back the clock and make things right. I can't sleep at night worrying about the future.

I can't get those questions out of my head. He validated my fears and worries, my regrets. He gave them clout and made them significant again for me. It's back to square one for me.

Infertile and full of grief

I'm still struggling with finding happiness in this life anymore. I can't concentrate, find no pleasure in anything, don't want to see friends, have no interest in socializing. I don't find pleasure where I used to, and it's an unbalanced feeling. When will this change for me? I thought maybe if I were to get pregnant again. But no, we're not to be so lucky this month.

We just learned this morning that our 1 embryo tested abnormal, so the cycle has ended. So have my chances of conceiving until the next cycle, which is mid-January. Although I've tried to prepare myself all week, it still comes as a crushing blow. There was a tiny flicker of hope in the back of my mind, that burned even when I knew the chances were slim. Infertility combined with the loss of my infant daughter is a crushing combination and I don't know how people get through this. Waiting and waiting, trying again, waiting and waiting, only to be disappointed over and over again. And I get older every day.

I miss Kara every single day. Her beautiful little face brings me to tears - I have a difficult time looking at her pictures without losing myself and falling into the pit. Last night, my husband told me he cares about nothing anymore and if he could lay down next to her and just die, he would happily do so. Sadly, I feel the same way every minute of every day. It's a battle just to find the will to live every day. I don't know how long I have to live like this.