Dreams & other people's babies

I've been doing pretty good for the past week. Staying positive, trying to focus on things other than how much I miss Kara and how much I am missing out on without her. She is always on my mind, but I've been okay for the most part.

On Friday I went to Michael's Crafts with my mom to get something for the cemetary for St. Patrick's Day. While in there, my mom says I should also think of Easter. So, we begin picking out baskets and silk flowers for both holidays, and the sadness starts again. I found a precious pink bunny basket with fuzzy ears and some pink tulips to put inside. How sad it is that I have to do this for my baby's first Easter. Heartbreaking, in fact. I found a little ceramic bunny to put in the basket also - it's very feminine and beautiful. I just made up the basket and I'm sad all over again. I miss her so much today I can hardly stand it.

On Saturday I saw my best friend and her new baby #2, who is 8 weeks old. This is the first infant I've touched (or been close to) since Kara died. I was a wreck when I first saw my friend and her DH; it was the first time I've seen them since the funeral, 8 months ago. I've been a hermit for so long, it felt weird to actually get out and socialize like a normal person. Anyway, the baby didn't bother me too much (probably because it was a boy). It was harder to see her and DH for the first time since she died, and I felt like a freak. I almost dissolved into tears upon seeing them, but composed myself in the bathroom after a few minutes. Surprisingly enough, I did well with the baby, even as he came with us to lunch. I felt relieved that maybe I can be around babies now. Maybe I can even do Easter at the in-laws and see my neice who was born right after Kara died? (We still have not seen my neice - DH and I are just not ready yet.) God forbid he decides we're going to Easter brunch. I may have to ditch on that one. I'm not ready to meet this new baby yet - not one who was born so close to Kara's death and who might look a little bit like her.

Saturday night I had a dream where I was holding a baby, all throughout my dream. His mother had left him on the sidewalk and went to Atlantic City for the day. I picked him up and carried him to church, home, to a friends house...just going about my daily routine with this strange baby. People at church were angry with me, angry that I lied about losing my baby last June. I had to explain that I DID lose my baby and that this was not her. This was another baby and I was intending to adopt him. What a weird dream...it went on an on like that. I guess this dream had to do with my feelings about another pregnancy. We're going through another IVF in April and desperate as hell to get pregnant again. Will anyone forget Kara? Will people think I'm 'over' her death when I'm finally pregnant again? That is a real fear of mine and one I think I will never completely resolve.