Another Morning Without Kara....

This morning started like every day since June 4th, 2008, when Kara died. The panic attacks grip me at 3am. This is my life, a living nightmare. My baby has died and there is nothing I can do to change that. She was only 12days from her due date! She was so beautiful! My heart breaks every morning before I even open my eyes. The day looms black and terrible before me and I am horrified. Another day of grieving for my child - my first child, who was torn from my womb before her time. Is there anything I wouldn't give to have her back? No ~ I would gladly die to give her life. Nothing means anything anymore. This life is meaningless and I am only here because there is no other way. You cannot outrun grief, or go around it, or ignore it. It always knows where you are, and it will find you.

We have a false sense of control in our lives. This - I can't control. I can't turn back time & bring Kara back. I can't change the fact that I am 40 and have squandered my youth. I am hateful of the women who told me I had 'plenty of time' to have children. My generation has been misled and lied to. My eggs are old and I may never have another biological child. There are no words to describe how this makes me feel.

This morning started like every other ~ wandering around the house trying to avoid my grief - finally succumbing to great wracking sobs, bringing me to my knees. I cannot pull myself from the depths of this despair. Instead, I wish I could die to be with my daughter. If this 'new' life means waking up to this every day, why bother? This is my life now - and I just don't know how I will continue day after day. I look forward to the sunset each night - because it's another day over. I yearn for night, when my body surrenders to exhaustion and I have a few peaceful hours of rest. Only to begin this nightmare all over again tomorrow.

This is my new life - life after the death of my baby. It can't be changed, it can't be avoided - it just 'is'.

I Can’t do Without You – Irving Berlin

There was I satisfied to live and die
In a little world where life was all arranged
There were you in a world I never knew
Suddenly we met and ev'rything was changed

All my life, I did without you
But now I can't do without you

All my life I never missed you
Until I kissed you
I never missed you

All through life I went
And thought that I was meant
To live and be content
Without you

Then I put my arms about you
And now I can't do without you

There was I gazing at a cloudy sky
Thinking that the clouds were all there was to see
There were you pointing to a sky of blue
Showing me how bright a day could really be