Dear Kara, it's 7 weeks without you...

Dearest Kara,

Yesterday was 7 weeks since we learned of your death. Today, is 7 weeks since you were delivered and placed into my arms - the most beautiful little baby girl I had ever seen. 7 weeks since my life has ended. The memory of those days will never leave me. They replay over and over in my mind. I miss you more every day - the pain is not getting any 'softer' as people tell me it will.

Baby, I wish I could go back in time and change things. I can't believe this is our life now - here, without you. Everything was ready for you. Daddy & I were SO ready for you to arrive. I was hoping you would come early, because you were so big, and I was not getting any sleep. How naive - when we're so sure we'll deliver healthy babies just like everyone else, we worry about the pettiest things - stretch marks, weight gain, sleepless nights - none of it matters. If only I could go back now.... I would give anything to have you here with us. I would give my life for yours in a second.

Nothing could have prepared me for this life without you. Throughout my pregnancy, I was so confident that you would be healthy, and so ready for you to come into this world to change our lives forever. I was counting down the weeks anxiously. It never occurred to me that something could go wrong, and that you would never be with us.

I never knew such profound sorrow, until you left us. My world as I knew it, has ended. My love, I was just so excited for you, and now I have to learn how to live life without you. You never even lived outside of my womb, but you were such a huge part of our lives. Every day, I struggle to live this life without you.

My love for you is bigger than anything I know. I have never felt such deep love for another human being. Your loss is something I will feel every moment of every day, for the rest of my life. I can't see my future without you as anything but bleak. My heart has been torn from my chest, and I'm just trying to exist in this new life I've been handed. I don't want this life - I want the life I imagined while I was pregnant with you. I want you here in my arms, baby.

My days are full of nothingness. I try not to wallow in my sadness, but there are times that I can't avoid it. I know you don't want this for me, and I don't want you to worry about me. I just want you to know how much you are missed and loved, and how you have impacted our lives. Even with the profound sadness and despair over your death, you are the best thing that has ever happened to Daddy & me. We love you more than words can say. I don't wish this sorrow away, for to do so would be to wish you had never happened. I could never wish that. You were a gift - and I am so grateful to have had you inside of me for 9 months. I am so grateful to have been your mommy - even if we were only here together for a short time. I know that we are truly together forever. While I'm here on earth, you will forever be in my heart and mind ~ always my precious little girl. And someday, I will join you in God's Kingdom and we will never be separated again.

I love you baby girl. You are always and forever my special, beautiful baby girl.

Love,
Mommy