We lost our baby Kara on June 4, 2008. At 37wks 3days, the doctors could find no heartbeat. I thought a letter to my baby would be an appropriate start for my blog.
My dear sweet baby Kara,
You are a miracle, the baby that daddy & I hoped and prayed for, for years. September was a joyous month! Finally, God had blessed us with a baby, and we eagerly awaited your arrival in June.
Pregnancy was not easy, but to know you were growing inside me every day was its own reward. How excited I was to be your mommy! The hopes and dreams your daddy and I had for you! We would give you the world. Every future plan, every conversation, revolved around you. June could not come quickly enough.
You grew so fast – I wondered how my belly could get any bigger with 8 weeks left! I was amazed at your kicks and acrobatics inside my womb. You were feisty and strong, sometimes pushing your feet against my belly where I scratched or rubbed. You were telling me you were there, and that you were healthy and strong. I felt relief and joy every time you responded to my touch. It was an amazing thing to know that my daughter was responding to the touch of my fingers, while still in my womb. I sometimes woke at night and rubbed my belly when you were restless, and spoke softly to you telling you how much I loved you and couldn’t wait to meet you. Each and every night in my prayers, I thanked God for this miracle baby, and told him I would cherish every moment with you. I thanked him for my incredible husband, and told him we would be the best parents possible. As difficult as the pregnancy became near the end, I would have endured far more, just grateful for the opportunity to be your mommy.
Last Wednesday, I learned that you had passed into God’s hands just hours before. I refused to believe that you would leave daddy & mommy that quickly, without warning. You were just here!!! Where did you go? Why did you leave us? We waited for so long for you! It was not possible that your life could have ended so silently!
Daddy and I waited for your birth all that night and the next day. When you were finally delivered, I woke to daddy’s sobs and I knew that he was holding you in his arms. The sight of you was the most beautiful thing I have ever known; your perfect face, with daddy’s eyes and hair, and mommy’s nose and mouth. I felt as if I knew you already. I just didn’t know how beautiful a baby could be, until I saw you. When I held you in my arms, I thought I would die of love. Your skin was so soft with beautiful little fingers, perfect adorable little feet, rosebud lips, kissable cheeks. How could this be? How could you make it 37 weeks and disappear? A perfect little baby who we would never watch grow up.
All of those dreams we had for you. Gone. How will I get through the next hour? The next day? The rest of my life until I see you again in heaven? I did not know it was possible to hurt this much, to feel so hopeless, to wish so badly to go back in time just one day, to try to change history. Was there something I did to cause you to leave? Was there something wrong with my body, that it didn’t nourish you enough to be healthy? How could I go on without my baby? Life has no meaning without you. My heart breaks into little pieces multiple times a day when I think of life without you.
I walk by your empty room and feel hopeless and cheated. My body betrays me and makes milk to nourish my baby, who is no longer here. My womb is empty and barren, having had you torn away too soon. My heart is broken, as I am cheated out of the sleepless nights of feeding you, soothing your cries, rocking you back to sleep, holding you in my arms, singing you lullabies and taking long walks in the park. I will never hear your cries, see your beautiful eyes, your first smile or your first tooth, and never hear your first words. I can only imagine, in my mind, what your voice would be like, the color of your eyes, the smile on your face. I have long endless days stretched before me, wondering if I will ever feel anything but intense pain again. I cannot imagine getting through the next hour, let alone the rest of my life. I cry tears of anger, loss, hopelessness and desperation. I cannot believe you were taken from us!
Daddy says you’re with God, and we will someday be reunited in Heaven. Death is no longer fearful, for I will finally see you again. But for now, I will put one foot in front of the other and try to get through the next hour without falling apart. I look at your pictures and feel some comfort in your beautiful face. I have never seen a more beautiful baby! You are our angel baby – and we will love and miss you forever.
Love Always,
Mommy
1 comment:
I am so sorry and wounded for you by your loss. I have experienced what I thought was the worst life could possibly offer, and still I cannot imagine the grief you must feel. I can only say from my own experience that there is a God. And he has a plan for each of us. And when we are hurting so badly, when we are walking through the valley of darkness, we absolutely cannot see it and we cannot believe it. Please do not lose faith. Perhaps you went through this experience and posted this blog so it could be read by a mother in Hong Kong who was considering infanticide and your story changed her mind and her child will go on to find the cure for cancer and save millions of lives and spare millions of families from the kind of pain you are experiencing. Or maybe you are in a career for the wrong reasons and this experience will set you on a path to help other women who have suffered the same tragic loss and you will end up profoundly affecting the lives of others in a way that is beyond measure. Or maybe... I will not pretend to know why this happened to you. But I have faith. I have faith that God will answer your pleas of why, why, why. He will show you the way if you listen to him and you lean on him. Please feel my prayers. May they support you and edify you and hold you and lift you up. Please pray your own prayers. God wants you to turn to him. He wants to show you the way.
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