October 4th was Kara's 4month Angelversary.
It feels like yesterday, it feels like years.
We visited her grave on Saturday to see the monument and to honor her memory on this solemn day. We placed a vase of white roses at the foot of the monument. White - for my innocent, pure, beautiful baby.
Her monument is pale pink, with a Celtic cross to honor her Irish name, and a bird from her nursery to honor her memory in our home. The stone turned out beautifully, but as I emailed photos to my family I thought 'how tragic that I'm emailing photos of my baby's headstone instead of photos of her first smile, first tooth, first tummy time.' The finality of it hits me all over again and I am thrown into the abyss once more. My heart is broken. My life is shattered.
I know I must try to live the best life that I can, in Kara's honor. But I'm just not 'there' yet. Some days I can still barely function, and I am disinterested in life in general. I don't enjoy things I used to, and I muddle through my days longing for bedtime when I can escape my reality. When will this change? I know I am the master of my own destiny, so only I can change this. When will I change this? How long until I can look forward to something-anything again? I am pinning all of my hopes on another pregnancy. I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I think that if I'm able to deliver a live, healthy baby I'll have something, someone to live for. A reason to be happy every day, a reason to live my life.
I've come a long way in 4 months. I have a long way to go.
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