What is My Purpose....?

I just can't come to terms with this new life. I thought I had a purpose - I was finally going to be a mom. I had this little person coming into the world who I would be responsible to nurture and to care for. My life seemed to be on track, if a little behind schedule. I knew I waited too long to have children, but surely a late start does not mean all is lost, or does it?

I'm 40 and my firstborn child has died. There are days when I feel I'm looking over the edge of an abbyss - the deep, black hole I'm looking into is my life. I am on the precipice - and it's terrifying. What is my purpose, if not to be a parent to a live child? I am desperate to conceive again, afraid of failure and a lifetime of 'what if's' and 'if only's'.

If only I didn't wait so long to have children. If only I had met my husband earlier. What if we had married sooner after we met? What if I never have another child? What is my life worth if I cannot mother my child?

These questions torment me day and night. I am listening to a client, privately wondering how old is too old to have children. I am writing emails, all the while wondering if I'll ever get pregnant again. I cannot concentrate on my daily life without obsessing over my future and what it holds for me. Nothing brings me joy anymore - only anxiety and depression.

I know that our lives are what we make of them. But I haven't the fortitude or the will to make my life worth living right now. I am stuck in my grief and mourning the loss of my precious baby as well as the loss of my most fertile years. I don't know what the future holds for me, but I am hoping against hope that I will be blessed with another baby. I need some HOPE and without a child, there seems to reason to be here anymore.