Since I lost Kara, I've lost my purpose in life. I don't know why I'm here, or what I'm to do with the rest of my life. I am struggling with finding happiness in my life outside of being a parent to a live child, in the event I never am one. How messed up that I clarify what kind of child I hope to parent: a Live one. This is my life now - clarifying that I am a parent, yet not to a live child. My baby is dead. What is my reason for being?
And can I find happiness without ever being a parent, if it comes to that?
I left Mass early yesterday - I was restless and couldn't focus properly. As I left the church, there were two women with baby girls in the back - babies the age Kara would have been now. As I walked by them with my head down, I thought "That should be me and Kara." I made my way to my car and went to visit my baby in the cemetary. When I sit at Kara's grave and realize I may have another 40+ years in which to do this, I am overcome with sadness and hopelessness. I want to lay down and join her; melt into the earth and hold her.
I have some soul-searching to do. I must find happiness again, I just don't know where to start. Just living my life one day and sometimes one hour at a time is the best I can do right now.
4 comments:
I am so, so sorry for your loss. No one should ever have to endure something like that. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I understand... I often feel the same way and it's been over 3 years.
((HUGS))
Just a giant hug from one MISSister to another.
May peace find its way to you today.
Norman MacEwan:
Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.Yours is a nice blog.
Post a Comment