Happiness Eludes Me

Since I lost Kara, I've lost my purpose in life. I don't know why I'm here, or what I'm to do with the rest of my life. I am struggling with finding happiness in my life outside of being a parent to a live child, in the event I never am one. How messed up that I clarify what kind of child I hope to parent: a Live one. This is my life now - clarifying that I am a parent, yet not to a live child. My baby is dead. What is my reason for being?

And can I find happiness without ever being a parent, if it comes to that?

I left Mass early yesterday - I was restless and couldn't focus properly. As I left the church, there were two women with baby girls in the back - babies the age Kara would have been now. As I walked by them with my head down, I thought "That should be me and Kara." I made my way to my car and went to visit my baby in the cemetary. When I sit at Kara's grave and realize I may have another 40+ years in which to do this, I am overcome with sadness and hopelessness. I want to lay down and join her; melt into the earth and hold her.

I have some soul-searching to do. I must find happiness again, I just don't know where to start. Just living my life one day and sometimes one hour at a time is the best I can do right now.

Numb

What a waste that I'm alive ~ I'm living my life just wishing it were over. I go through my days feeling disconnected and isolated. On the outside, I may look normal. But on the inside I am sad and hopeless, wishing my life away. My baby died - how can I ever be 'happy' again? Happy? I don't even want to be here! How can I live, knowing that I will never hold her, will never kiss her or smell her baby-smell? The sadness consumes and suffocates me ~ it's hard to breathe. It is in the depths of this despair that I wonder how I can survive this grief. I wonder how I can go on. Then I remind myself that I have no choice. I was not given the choice to live or to die - so I must continue to work, pay bills, eat, exercise. It sucks. I am 'going through the motions' because I must.

I feel like I'm floating outside of my body - I can see what I'm doing, but I can't control it. When I drive, I feel like I'm not really there - amazed that the car stays on the road. Physcially, I'm numb. Emotionally, I'm raw. It would be so easy to die, but I would leave my husband bereft and I can't bear that thought. That is the only reason I remain. This life totally sucks and i wish it would just end. I'm tired of it.

I'm So Tired

I am so tired of being sad. My sadness follows me everywhere, I can't escape it. I am exhausted, yet restless ~ unable to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time. I can't rest; napping isn't possible with the racing thoughts that chase me. I am restless for physical activity, but nothing wears me out enough to relax. So I continue in this endless circle of weariness, restlessness and sadness, until the night comes and I can lay down in exhaustion.

I stayed in bed until 8am this morning hoping to make my day shorter. Once up, I was restless and eager to burn off some energy. I went to the gym, ran errands, re-potted plants, showered, & went shopping. It's 3pm and I'm so tired, I would love a nap, but I'll just lay down and have panic attacks. On my way home, I passed a pregnant neighbor's house. Her sister was outside tying blue ribbons on her mailbox and stairwell - obviously she had her baby this weekend. Passing by was enough to undo me today. I don't want to be this way. I miss my baby girl so, so much. Why do other people get to have happy pregnancies that end in live/healthy babies, but I didn't? I feel singled out - an outcast. I hate my life. I just want to lie down and not wake up again. I am so tired of this sadness, of feeling sorry for myself, of missing my daughter and all that will never be.

I was never a 'happy' person. I was never the bubbly, cheerful person that some of my friends are ~ there are people who are just full of joy no matter what. I have never been that person. But I liked my life and I was content. It wasn't perfect, but it was mine. Now I hate my life. I want to trade this one in for another one. I can't look in the mirror without seeing the sadness on my face and the loss on my body - the sagging belly and breasts that were bursting with life just 3 short months ago. Now I'm just a deflated, empty shell of a person. I wander around trying to keep busy, just waiting for the night to come so I can escape to my sleeping pills and a few hours of peace. And even then, I'll wake at the slightest sound and the racing thoughts start in once again.

I'm so tired of this life, I just want some relief. If only I could go to sleep and not wake up again.