Numb

What a waste that I'm alive ~ I'm living my life just wishing it were over. I go through my days feeling disconnected and isolated. On the outside, I may look normal. But on the inside I am sad and hopeless, wishing my life away. My baby died - how can I ever be 'happy' again? Happy? I don't even want to be here! How can I live, knowing that I will never hold her, will never kiss her or smell her baby-smell? The sadness consumes and suffocates me ~ it's hard to breathe. It is in the depths of this despair that I wonder how I can survive this grief. I wonder how I can go on. Then I remind myself that I have no choice. I was not given the choice to live or to die - so I must continue to work, pay bills, eat, exercise. It sucks. I am 'going through the motions' because I must.

I feel like I'm floating outside of my body - I can see what I'm doing, but I can't control it. When I drive, I feel like I'm not really there - amazed that the car stays on the road. Physcially, I'm numb. Emotionally, I'm raw. It would be so easy to die, but I would leave my husband bereft and I can't bear that thought. That is the only reason I remain. This life totally sucks and i wish it would just end. I'm tired of it.