It's been a while since I've written. I've been feeling terrible lately and haven't made the time to sit down and face my feelings. Sometimes the feelings are so overwhelming that I can't think straight. This has been my life for the past 3 months.
Everywhere I go there are triggers. Something will remind me of my grief and I begin the slow, downward descent into Hell. There was the neighbor with blue ribbons on her mailbox, signifying that she had her baby boy. Then there was the client lunch where a stranger asked 'how's the baby?' (I realized a moment later that she was asking my customer how his baby was, and I learned that his wife had her baby 1 month after Kara died. I didn't even know he had a pregnant wife.) Then there are the looks from women who are wondering how far along I am, because I still have a swollen belly and look 3-4 months pregnant, 3 months after losing Kara. Still again, I have my career with its own perils. I'm in sales - a big part of my career is making small talk with strangers, people who I could care less about, trying to seem interested in order to further the 'relationship.' In fact, I have many customers I truly care about on a personal level. They have been wonderful throughout this trying time and I am grateful for their friendship. But there are countless others whom I don't know, don't care to know, and yet have to try to get to know. This is a source of anxiety for me and I don't know how to deal with it. It's part of my job, and I can't stop 'seeing' people without losing my job and therefore my income.
I'm waiting in my room for time to run out. My flight is at 5pm, and checkout is at noon. I'm anxious about how to fill my day, anxious about the flight home. I cried several times on the flight out, feeling like a trapped animal with my grief. Another trip to the lavatory to cry and try to pull myself together for another 30 minutes - maybe 45. I worry about the flight home and worry about my upcoming week - entertaining and riding with a customer to visit his customers. I am not prepared for real life, I don't feel like I'm really making progress. I will not be surprised if I lose my job this year - I'm unproductive and ineffective now at what I do. I used to be great at this - used to love my job. Now I dread waking up every morning, not knowing what I'll have to face on that day. Another baby in the restaurant at lunch? Another woman looking at my belly? Another man asking if I have children? It seems innocent to someone who hasn't lost a baby. To me, is a maze of horrors that I need to navigate carefully every single day and I have to plan for 'down time' so I can cry if I need to and pray quietly for strength during the day.
I want to crawl outside of my body and just get away from myself. How should I deal with that constant feeling of wanting to get away from myself? There's nowhere to run from myself - I can't peel off my skin and get any relief. I have to suffer through my earthly confines and try to hold it together for another hour, another day.
I am at a conference in Florida with numerous anonymous people I'm supposed to mix with during cocktail hour and organized dinners. I cannot concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time, and find myself having to escape to the ladies room for a few moments of silence and solitude. My grief is like a wet blanket, smothering me with its weight no matter where I go or what I do. I cannot escape it. It's worse when I'm in a crowd - I feel small and isolated, alone and afraid. My grief can sneak up on me and overtake my emotions at any time. I'm vulnerable and weak and in no position to 'entertain' people with any confidence or effectiveness. I am ready to go home and be in silence and solitude for a few days.
1 comment:
I am so sorry about your loss. I stumbled upon your blog after googling something totally different. I stayed and read many of your post because It hits close to home.
My dear cousin I am VERY VERY close to tried for years and years to conceive a baby. Finally she was able to call me and tell me I would finally become and Aunt!! (We both where only children and agreed we would be "Aunts" to each others children) I was so excited for her. I throw her a HUGE baby shower! I went with her to doctor & sonogram apts. I talked and bonded with this baby.
THEN she went in for her scheduled C-sec ready to bring home a full-term baby... They hooked up the monitors to start preparing for the surgery. The nurse called in another nurse to her her after she was unable to find a heartbeat. The 2nd nurse couldn't find it either. The doctor was called in. They did a sonogram immediately. The sonogram revealed the baby had pasted away. It was so sad to go see someone I loved so dearly grief her child she had wanted for so long, that should have been here that day, alive, happy, and healthy!! But she wasn't. I had to stay strong and be there for my loved ones... I stayed with the baby for some time. I took photos of her getting her first and only bath... Getting hand printed and foot printed and getting dressed for a formal photo shoot. It was so sad. She looked so alive. It was like looking at my beautifully perfect niece sleeping... Only she would never wake up.
I never cried at the hospital but the moment I came home I lost it... I have had nightmares and flashbacks of the day. It's been almost 2 years now and it still bothers me WHY!!
I asked my cousin & her husband if they would like for me to go to there home and put away items before they left the hospital but they decided to leave things up for then. After several weeks they decided to leave things just the way they are and try to conceive again.
After about 6 months of my niece passing away... I received a phone call. Which was strange, since I rarely was able to talk to her. She never actually told me but she wanted her space to grief and needed to do things alone with her husband! She was pregnant again!! I was so happy for her, yet so afraid it would happen again. She declined another baby shower, she said she still had everything and would rather not have one... I went to the hospital with her again... It was a nice change to see her father in tears come out and tell us how things went... But happy tears this time!! It was an earry feeling that felt so similar to the last time but she was a health smaller version of her big sister who pasted away just over a year before her birth!!
My point is stay strong!! You are on the right path by writing and talking about things! People are rude and though they are trying to help sometimes it hurts. I am very sorry for your loss. I wanted to share my cousins story with you so you are able to know that someone who has been in a situation similar to yours was able to conceive again (actually a lot easier than before) and was able to bring home a VERY happy, healthy, baby!!! That is if you and your husband decide to try again!!
My cousin never "replaced" her child she just moved forward in life when her husband & her were done grieving!! She named her daughter after her 1st daughter. And she still visits her grave. She is able to talk about her now without crying every time and feeling upset. Time helps but does not cure things!! Hang in there and ask for support from family & friends if you need it!! Chances are they are giving you your space and waiting for you to tell them when you are ready for them!!
The nurse at the hospital told me she had pasted away 36 hours before the birth... And she also told me she was the nurse who was always put with the family of stillborns. She said that all the healthy babies she sees daily... the stillborns where the "perfect babies" compared to the others!! She said her theory is when god creates a "perfect baby" he decides he needs them back to be with him in heaven!!
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