No Escape

This week will be 16 weeks since we lost Kara. I feel...lost, bewildered, unglued, anxious, restless, exhausted and unhappy. I can't escape myself or my reality.

I am lost. Who is this person I have become? I hate myself, hate the life choices I made that led me to have my first child just two weeks before I turned 40. Why did I wait so long? I know why - and none of those reasons make it any better. I know hindsight is 20/20 - but that doesn't take away the pain and the guilt of having waited possibly too long, to bear my first child. And now my child is gone. I am lost without her.

I am bewildered. What the fuck happened? I spent 9 months waiting for this little person to come into the world. I prepared her room, bought the prettiest clothes and bedding sets, washed and folded all of her things just days before her life ended. What was I thinking just hours before? When did she die, exactly? What was I doing at that moment? Could/Should I have known at that second, that she died? How did this happen? I am bewildered at how fast a life can change forever.

I am unglued. Every minute is a struggle to live. I cannot function without feeling my emotions are unraveling; I'm barely hanging on to life. I l.i.v.e because my physcial body lives. But my heart is broken and my mind sometimes wraps around that fact, and I become unraveled. How could this have happened?! How can it be that I visit my baby girl in the cemetary every week?!

I am anxious and restless. I struggle to get away from myself, but I can't. I can't relax for a moment, without finding another activity I can do to keep in motion - keep busy. I try to read a book, but my mind wanders to my baby girl and all I've lost. I can't work, can't sleep, can't relax. I want to crawl out of my skin and find a new body - one that's not broken with grief.

I am exhausted. I can't get enough sleep - even with Ambien, I wake at the slightest sound, unable to get back to sleep. I lay awake worrying, 'will I ever see Kara again? I'm not a good enough person...I must try harder.' 'Will I ever have a live child? I'm so old - 40 now and childless.' worry worry worry. it's exhausting.

I'm unhappy. I turned 40, just two weeks after Kara died. I am old and have squandered my youth - having made terrible decisions up until I decided to have a child. My child means everything to me and she is not here. How does one regain their life after this? I am unhappy because I miss her terribly. I am unhappy because I should live this life in her honor - she didn't even get to take one breath - how dare me squander more of my life! I am so unhappy, I can't change it.

I have to simply 'be' right now.