I'm So Tired

I am so tired of being sad. My sadness follows me everywhere, I can't escape it. I am exhausted, yet restless ~ unable to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time. I can't rest; napping isn't possible with the racing thoughts that chase me. I am restless for physical activity, but nothing wears me out enough to relax. So I continue in this endless circle of weariness, restlessness and sadness, until the night comes and I can lay down in exhaustion.

I stayed in bed until 8am this morning hoping to make my day shorter. Once up, I was restless and eager to burn off some energy. I went to the gym, ran errands, re-potted plants, showered, & went shopping. It's 3pm and I'm so tired, I would love a nap, but I'll just lay down and have panic attacks. On my way home, I passed a pregnant neighbor's house. Her sister was outside tying blue ribbons on her mailbox and stairwell - obviously she had her baby this weekend. Passing by was enough to undo me today. I don't want to be this way. I miss my baby girl so, so much. Why do other people get to have happy pregnancies that end in live/healthy babies, but I didn't? I feel singled out - an outcast. I hate my life. I just want to lie down and not wake up again. I am so tired of this sadness, of feeling sorry for myself, of missing my daughter and all that will never be.

I was never a 'happy' person. I was never the bubbly, cheerful person that some of my friends are ~ there are people who are just full of joy no matter what. I have never been that person. But I liked my life and I was content. It wasn't perfect, but it was mine. Now I hate my life. I want to trade this one in for another one. I can't look in the mirror without seeing the sadness on my face and the loss on my body - the sagging belly and breasts that were bursting with life just 3 short months ago. Now I'm just a deflated, empty shell of a person. I wander around trying to keep busy, just waiting for the night to come so I can escape to my sleeping pills and a few hours of peace. And even then, I'll wake at the slightest sound and the racing thoughts start in once again.

I'm so tired of this life, I just want some relief. If only I could go to sleep and not wake up again.