Aliens Among Us

Another bereaved mommy friend sent me an article today by Robin Wallace: http://dir.salon.com/story/mwt/feature/2002/03/20/stillborn/index.html

Ms. Wallace has it all right.

We experience pregnancy; savoring the good times and suffering through the difficulties. We experience birth; epidurals, ice chips, pushing, c-sections. We see our beautiful babies and experience the unbridled pride at seeing our perfect, beautiful, tiny creation. We see ourselves, our spouse, our parents in this little being. But we don't get to hear their cries. We don't get to hold a squirming, live baby and savor the absolute joy that brings. We will never know their personality or their achievements, contributions to the world. We will not see their first smile, first tooth, first Christmas. We don't get to breastfeed, nor will we take our babies home from the hospital. We experience all the good and bad of being pregnant and giving birth, without the reward of a live baby afterwards. It is heartbreaking and unfair.

Like Ms. Wallace, I guard every word spoken and am careful not to expose myself too much to strangers. I am constantly asked "Do you have children?" and I'm torn. Do I answer truthfully and share my most personal life with this stranger? Or do I answer 'no' and guard myself and the memory of my daughter? My average day on the job has become a mine field for me, as I meet strangers every day as a salesperson. I gave birth! I had a daughter! I carried her for 9 months! And yet, I have to work and make money. I have to try to 'live' and work in order to survive. How painful it was and still is to avoid questions of children and to 'hide' the fact that I was pregnant.

Also like Ms. Wallace, I carry around an extra 15 lbs of baby weight. When I first returned to work, I could see the glances from other women - it was OBVIOUS that I had either had a baby or was pregnant. I avoided all personal talk and tried to conceal my swollen belly with larger, more forgiving clothing. It was horrible. Having to 'hide' the fact that I gave birth was just horrible to me. How unfair that I can't explain away my weight like normal post-partum moms. Most moms take a year or more to lose the baby weight. We grieving moms don't have that luxury. I have lost 45 lbs in only 4 1/2 months. I am desperate to look normal again to avoid the questions. And yet, every pound I lose takes me farther away from my pregnancy and I mourn her all over again.

Bereaved mothers are not part of the " mommy club". My friends have live children. I can't even imagine having a pregnancy that ends in a live birth. The concept is so foreign to me. I have no stories to share except sad ones. My grief surrounds me and engulfs me - every thought and every spoken word is touched by my sorrow. So where do I fit in? Certainly not with other mothers of live children.

I am an alien living amongst strangers. Only other grieving moms can understand the
alienation associated with losing a baby and having to navigate your life afterwards.