Today is the day before Thanksgiving - the first holiday without my baby. When I first attended my babyloss group, everyone talked about the 'firsts'; first Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first Angelversary. At the time, I didn't think I would be so affected. I was in so much pain that I thought Christmas and Thanksgiving couldn't possibly be this bad. They're just another day once you've lost your child.
Yesterday I went Christmas shopping, intent on getting to the malls before the crowds. What I found was so much festivity and Christmas music, that I felt the pit coming on hard & strong. My chest seized up and I felt paralyzed by my grief. I felt like I wanted to die and for a few minutes, wished I had. How can I live like this without my child? Breathe...breathe...
The holidays loom large and dark. They cloud my vision and force me to reevaluate my existence yet again. We were supposed to be enjoying our first holiday as a family. Instead, I am searching for my purpose in life without my child. I am fighting anxiety over the promise of empty holidays without my child. I am trying to wake up each day and get through another hour, another day, the pit always nearby.
1 comment:
((HUGS))
It is always hard.
Thanksgiving was my first holiday without my babybear too.
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