What Now?

What am I to do without you?
I planned for you for so long
anticipated sleepless nights
breastfeeding, tummy time
rocking you to sleep.
Cuddling my baby girl
smelling that lovely baby smell.
Anticipating that first toothless grin,
looking into those sure-to-be blue eyes.
I wanted all of it.
Every single moment.
I lovingly washed all your clothes
assembled your crib
painted your room.
Organized your drawers and closet
over and over
until it was perfect.
Just like you.
I picked out precious outfits
for your uncle's wedding,
his rehearsal dinner,
walks in the park with grandma.
I worried about day care
and would you sleep through the night?
I worried about whether you would love me
the way I already loved you.
I pictured you in your bassinet
in your nursery full of happy birds.
Pink and green everywhere
so pretty and perfect.
I never knew
that babies died
for no reason.
What am I to do now?
I've painted the room,
packed away your things.
Too painful.
What now?
I am left with lonely sleepless nights
thinking of you
and of what we've lost together.
What now?
I have lost my constant companion,
my daughter, my life.
I had such hopes for you, darling.
I think of you in your resting place.
I want to crawl in and hold you forever.
What now?
I pass people with their babies
and their normal lives,
and wonder,
would Kara look like that now?
Would she be that big?
Her smile that wide?
Which milestones would she be passing?
My precious baby,
I miss you every second
of every day.
Not a moment goes by
that I don't grieve for you.
What now?