Monday Ramblings

It's hard to stay positive when you have a dead baby.
It's hard to live each day when you miss your child with every breath and physically hurt from the longing to hold/see/smell/touch her.

I wonder how we do it, us babylost parents. How do we continue to live our lives? The pain of longing and missing is quite often, too much for me. I find myself crying in the car while running errands. Crying in the store when the reality of her loss hits me fresh and new again. Crying when we leave the restaurant where a toddler sat at the next table, looking adoringly at his mother while she fed him.

Each night when I lay down to sleep, I pray that Kara is warm & safe, surrounded by my loved ones, in Heaven with Him and with my dog Junior. I thank Him for giving me the honor of being Kara's mommy. For giving me the experience of her pregnancy, and thanking Him for every kick, somersault, and hiccup I felt. Thanking Him for giving me 9 months to hold her body with mine. And angry with Him for taking her away from DH and I.

My life has changed in so many ways since her death. I am trying to put my life back together again, trying to be less sad, more active, more positive. Trying to enjoy some of life again and trying to live each day with a little less pain and sadness. I must stay focused on my positive changes, because that's all I can control. The pain and sadness is more difficult, because I can't control it. I can only let it wash over me and try to recover when it has run its course.

I look forward to my DE cycle, hoping it gives me the opportunity to become a parent to a live child. Please God, give me a live child. Please, please, please, let me get what I want, this time. Please give me a live child.

And please give me the patience to hang in there until November's DE cycle.