Positive Changes

In my last post, I complained about my shitty life. I hate my job, hate my body, want to move and want a family (NOW, please!). I want to stop being sad, I want to enjoy my life again. How can I get back the interest I used to have in life? Everything centers around my infertility and the loss of my daughter. Everything ultimately leads me back to sadness.

I've done a lot of thinking the past week and have decided to tackle a few of these challenges.

1. I joined Wei.gh.t Wa.tchers. Lost 2.6lbs the first week! 12.4lbs left to go. Hooray for me! I've always been active and fit, but my weight has been out of control since starting IVF 3 years ago and especially after losing Kara. Carrying around an extra 10-15lbs is not acceptable for me. Time to get serious and control what goes in my pie hole.

2. I've decided to look for a new job. It's not the optimal time to search for said 'new job' but I figure that good people are always in demand. I'm the best salesperson I've ever met; I just need to get the interview. I've brushed up my resume, joined an *expensive* online job board and I've dedicated 1-2 hours daily to searching and applying for jobs.

Taking control of my life is the only way I know how to live. For too long now, I've allowed my infertility to control me; to control my decisions and my career path. No longer. I will take back the power and make positive changes in my life.

I can't bring back Kara, I have to learn to live with the pain and loss. I have to continue therapy and try to find a way to live with this pain. Cemetary visits with my baby are, and will be, part of my life until I die. I suspect that I will be working on this one for the rest of my days.

I can't change make my eggs younger or healthier. I can't turn back the hands of time. If I could, we'd have Kara with us today. Instead, I can make healthy, informed decisions on how to start a family. today. We've chosen a donor and our DE cycle starts in October.

I can't make my job more interesting or inspiring. I can take it day by day and try to make the best of it while searching diligently for a new challenge. I can commit to 2-3 hours each day to search & apply for new opportunities. I bought a new suit on Thursday for a Friday interview and felt like a new person. :)

I can't wish these 15lbs away. I can't walk them off either, unfortunately. I CAN stop eating like the skinny person I used to be, and start eating to lose weight. 2.6lbs down - woo hoo!

I can't sell my house and run away somewhere and hide from the grief and sadness that has enveloped my home since Kara died. But I can spend some $$ and make my place look a little different. P.otteryB.a.rn.com, here I come.

I'm liking the changes already.