A Place of Light

The week started out in a place of darkness, but has ended up in a place of light.

On Monday, I was headed for the abyss. I was on the edge and trying desperately to hang on for dear life. I dug in my fingers and clutched onto the edge as hard as I could to keep myself from going over. I found myself consciously trying to change my thought pattern from dark and sad thoughts to more positive thoughts. It's not easy, I'll be honest - it's very difficult. When I'm focused on the sadness of missing my daughter, it's a brutal task to change the thoughts to other, more uplifting things. Sometimes I can't think of anything positive except to be thankful for the 9 months that I had being pregnant with her. And that has to be enough to keep me going. To keep me from falling into the abyss. And sometimes, I just get out and walk or go to the gym. I try to do anything to distract me from the darkness. And it worked, this week. I still had some dark moments and I did my share of crying, for sure. But I'm okay and I'm still feeling good.

I've been really focused on making positive changes in my life. I changed my bedding in my master bedroom and I LOVE IT. It's so nice to LOVE your bed again. A fluffy, new duvet cover in vibrant, wonderful colors is a sure way to brighten my life. A new paint color in my home office is a cheerful blue/green - another way to help brighten my life and change my environment. And of course, Wei.ght Wat.chers - I've lost 3.4lbs in 3 weeks and I'm feeling good. 11.6lbs more to go until the Donor cycle. At least these things keep me distracted and change my environment enough to break me out of this depressive funk I've been in for 15 months. At the end of the day I still miss her terribly, but breaking the cycle of sadness for me is key to my healing. I simply have to figure out ways to grieve in a more healthy manner, while changing my situation and my environment to reinforce positive behavior and thinking. I think that changing my environment and taking control of those things that I CAN control, is huge for me. I know I'll still have the sadness, ever lurking beneath the distracted facade, but at least I have made the effort to take charge of those things under my control.

The sadness is not under my control, not really. But I'm working to make my falls into the abyss shorter and less painful.

My week ended in light this week. Last night I had a dream that my grandmother came to me and gave me a big hug, and told me that 'everyone is okay.' I asked if Kara was okay - and she assured me with a smile, that Kara was fine and was with her. Then I aksed if Junior was with Kara, and she smiled and again said yes. Everyone is fine and they're waiting for me.

I could not get back to sleep after that dream. I felt a peace that I have not felt in my entire life. I have never been close to this grandmother and she was never the kindly, old, sensitive maternal figure that presented herself in my dream. But I want to believe that she came to me the truth. I have prayed for Junior to be with Kara, and for them both to be with my grandparents in Heaven, since Kara died over 15 months ago. I visited my grandmother's grave a few weeks ago for the first time ever, and asked her to take care of Kara for me until I get there. This dream has made my day just a bit easier to face, knowing that my daughter is safe and happy with my favorite dog and my grandparents, waiting for me. That's all I can ask for.