This is my blog dedicated to my daughter, Kara. I didn't want to bring other areas of my life into this blog because it's an outlet for my grief, longing and intense love for her. But my grief for Kara permeates every corner of my life. So there are things I find must speak of here.
Kara is my first child and I turned 40 yrs old on July 2nd, just 3 weeks after her death. Kara was the result of 2 years of infertility - trying to get pregnant the old fashioned way, 4 IUI's and 3 IVF's. I average about 4 eggs per cycle, and usually all embryos test genetically abnormal. Kara was our healthy embryo on our 3rd IVF cycle.
Since her death, we've had 2 failed IVF cycles - October and January. October's failed cycle was disappointing and I was back in the 'pit' for the better part of a week. In January, we actually had (1) healthy embryo transferred back, and it didn't implant. I was crushed. I was traveling on business at the time (alone, thankfully) and I could barely keep it together during customer visits after the doctor called my mobile with the bad news. I was a mess - it was another loss all over again. I kept it together until safely in my hotel room, and promptly broke down into a sobbing, snotty, gasping mess. This lasted for an hour until my husband talked me down - he was like a hostage negotiator on the phone. "It'll be okay, babe. We'll get pregnant hun, we will. We just have to try again. We'll keep trying, no matter how long it takes." On and on he went until I recovered some semblance of sanity. It seems this cycle repeats itself every 3rd month.
Which brings me to April. I was supposed to cycle in April for my (5th) IVF. Unfortunately, I haven't had my period yet this month and the deadline for AF to appear is Friday. If she doesn't show by then, I'll have to wait until May. My ovaries and eggs are aging before my very eyes. I am desperate to cycle again, only to be heartbroken when it fails yet again.
I am convinced that being pregnant will start me on the road to healing. I know that no baby can ever replace Kara. But I am sure that a real living, breathing baby will breathe new life into this tired, heartbroken, 40-yr old woman. Problem is, will anything else do? If I don't have children, there is no point in living. If I can't get pregnant, will I ever find happiness again? I am convinced, not.
What if I don't get pregnant with my own eggs again? I will go to donor egg.
When do I give up on my own eggs and look for a donor? I don't know.
The injectible hormones make me suicidal when an IVF cycle fails. When is enough, enough?
The heartbreak of a failed cycle brings back Kara's loss in full force. Everything is related to Kara's death. Everything revloves around my getting pregnant once again, and trying to be a mother to a live child. At some point, I must find something else to bring me fulfillment. But what is it?
8 comments:
I don't know that there is ever true fulfillment, for you'll always be missing Kara.
But I do hope you find some measure of happiness in your life.
B, we've talked about this a few times. It sometimes amazes me how similar we are. Most of our embryos are chromosomally abnormal too. Janaki was normal in every way though, what was that? Fate? It sickens me with anger, still.
Its completely understandable, normal even, that your grief for Kara is entwined in your grief over the infertility. You wouldn't be human if the thoughts and sadness didn't overlap. So many times after a BFN or a miscarriage I find myself back to mourning Janaki, bawling my eyes out wanting her to be with me. Its just the nature of the lives we face now.
I have to believe that one day, we will parent. We are moms now, to invisible children (as another blogger has said). But when we get the opportunity to parent our own (whether donor or not), we will shed so many happy tears and sad tears for what we missed out on. But I believe it will be mostly happy tears.
Hope that bitch AF shows up before Friday, how dare she disappear when she's needed?! grr!
Sending you some hugs my friend.
I struggle with this too. I don't think having a living baby will "make it all better" or anything. But it would be a nice distraction from all the pain and constant letdown, eh?
But the fact that you (we) have had a horrible loss and then still struggle to get pregnant is like a double whammy. Its hard to find the positive. And its hard to struggle for YEARS. Month after month, cycle after cycle.
I haven't gone through as much as you have and I already find myself wondering, when is enough? When can I not take it, both physically and emotionally, anymore? I know I will have children - I never doubt that. But it gets me thinking about adoption and questioning what is the right path for me?
I do find comfort in knowing that I am not alone in this - reading other women's posts is so helpful to me. Thank God for these blogs....
Here's to AF coming ASAP. I'm thinking of you.
I wish I knew the ansswer to that.
i am so with you. same questions and struggles. we are mothers just a different kind. and i hope for us both to be pregnant with our second babies and bring them into this world alive and screaming, so soon.
((((Hugs)))))
Love and strength to you.... xx
i am someone who does best with action...so i would immediately be doing donor egg. i know, easy for me to say. after my recent bullshit with ivfs failing, i know the torture; it's something about those injections/hormones/failures that will make you into something, someone else. if i had no children i'd be doing all i could right away. i'd grieve my dead baby, i'd grieve my poor eggs, and i'd sign my fat ass up for the thing that gave me the highest chance of a baby.
that being said, there is NO separation between kara and your struggle for a baby. i am learning that every grief opens the trap door to everything else.
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