"That sense of being okay with death instead of fearing death is very real for me. If not for knowing the awful, awful pain that my death would cause my loved ones, I would certainly choose death--just to end my own pain and so I could finally meet my baby girl."
Her words touched me so deeply. I also find myself okay with death, no longer fearing it. I fear the manner of death, like a plane crash or years of suffering through cancer, but I don't fear death itself.
What if God gave me the choice to continue on this awful grief journey that is my life, or 'poof' I could be dead, painlessly and instantly?
During my darkest hours, I would seriously consider this offer and there are days I would probably accept. The pain I would cause my poor, darling husband is the only thing that gives me pause. At times, the pain and loneliness that is my grief is enough to make my selfishness take over and wish for an end to this pain. I would choose death to end my own suffering and to be with my daughter, the baby I long to hold and to touch.
6 comments:
I don't fear death either. And especially without any other children, or a new pregnancy yet, I sometimes do feel like what's the point. I could not do it to my husband, but I know when death does come for me, the fear is gone. I will hold her again. This I am sure of.
I hate to say it...but I know that I could in a certain frame of mind, choose death, without much regard to my husband. He is as lost as I am - we are both lonely soldiers in this journey, struggling against a strong opposing force, and I can't believe I'm selfish enough to leave him just so I can be with Janaki and my other "babies". Most times though, I'd never want to leave my husband. But sometimes...all I want to be is a mom. One day we'll get the chance...and we'll want to stay here for our children on earth...
xx
I don't fear death either. I quite look forward to it. I know I will be reunited with my daughter and my husband. I can hardly wait!
I still fear pain, but I no longer fear death. I guess if my little baby had to go through it I can too.
i don't fear death. i don't believe in afterlife, so i don't look forward to it; i can't look forward to being with paige ever again. but i do see death as the ultimate peace...there's no stress, about anything, in not existing.
i don't necessarily believe i will be reunited with my beautiful baby boy, but i do feel like death would be a quick way out of this grief, and sometimes that feels very appealing...not fearful, just peaceful.
Post a Comment