It's been 8 months and 5 days since I lost Kara. I keep thinking I should be in a better place by now, that I shouldn't be crying each day over her, that I should start to see some light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. But I don't. I still cry every day for her. I miss her so much, at times it feels like my heart will burst. When I really let myself feel my grief, I feel like the air is being squeezed out of me. I dissolve into tears numerous times each day; sometimes just a few tears, sometimes great wracking sobs that take minutes to get under control.
I don't know how I can live my life this way. My only child is dead. My sweet Kara is laying in a cold grave, all alone. It breaks my heart that she is not with us, sharing this life with us. I just don't know how to do this. I wish someone had a roadmap for me of this awful grief journey that we must pass through. But even as I wish for a map, part of me knows that I will never get past the hurt. I'll never get past the squeezing of my heart every time I think of my beautiful girl who died before she was born. Even if I had a roadmap I know that up ahead, better days do not lie ahead. My baby is dead and she is never coming back. How could there be anything but dark days ahead? The sun will never shine for me as it once did. Life is different now. There are tears in my daily life...every day. I miss her terribly.
6 comments:
This is just so heartbreaking to read. I wish I could help you. Then I forget shit, I'm living this same life as you. I don't know how any of us do it. I hope with all my heart there are sunny days ahead for you.
I am so sorry. it sucks so bad. wishing you gentler days. love nancy
I'm really sorry. (Sorry is really such a shit, inadequate word sometimes). I think there will be some sunny days ahead... but it takes time, time and a live child (for me) to be able to get out of the hole. It won't fix the hole that Kara and Janaki left...but it will bring something, some sort of healing, I believe it. I have to believe our lives will be bearable one day. In the meantime, we're left with the 'what ifs' and the 'what should have beens'. It sucks.
Hugs,
I wish I could help too.
Hugs and love
xxx
You're still very much in the early stages of grief. Sometimes I think I am too and my sweet girl Keely would've been 2 in a month. I won't say the pain eases or you'll miss her less because it would be a lie but I think we begin to learn to live with it and engulf ourselves in the infinite good our children gave us and the continued lessons we learn from our grief. Wishing you gentler days ahead and warm memories of your little girl.
Loving and remembering our MISSed ones
XOXO
Aly
I wish it would get easier. We just celebrated Angel's first birthday this past weekend and I thought, after 1 year of pain and anger, it would get better... I'm nowhere near as 'crazy' as I was 1 year ago... but it still hurts, and I'm still angry it seems! Hugs!
Post a Comment