Glow in the Woods 7x7: The Body Shop

http://glowinthewoods.squarespace.com/6-by-6/2009/4/1/7-by-7-april-2009.html

1 Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.

Before babyloss: I was strong, healthy, athletic and confident. I could accomplish anything I put my mind to.

After babyloss: I am insecure, weak but getting stronger, not so athletic anymore. I don't have the lust for life that I once did, and I can't think of anything to put my mind to except getting pregnant again.

2 What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?

I work out 4-5 times per week and eat healthy. I don't work out as hard as I did before pregnancy, but I eat better than I did while I was pregnant. I don't care about myself as much as I used to. While pregnant I took long luxurious baths and cared for my skin with oils and creams. Now I hate to shower because of the way my body looks and putting lotion on my body only prolongs my nakedness which I avoid at all costs.

3 Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby

Sex/Physical Intimacy Before - was wonderful. We had fun and while maybe not enjoyed 'as often' as we should have, it was loving and fun and enjoyable.

Sex/Physcial Intimacy After - is different. Intense, purposeful, emotionally-charged. Can still be wonderful, but intimacy is now a desperate attempt to cling to life.

4 Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?

Besides the c-section scar, I am left with chronic tears, swollen eyes, a perpetually sad mouth, insomnia & depression. I have lost any joy I had in life. I am really just passing my days until I die.

5 Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgement, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?

Prescriptions, counseling and exercise. I feel somewhat ashamed that I need prescription anti-depressants to help me control my emotions, but I can't cope in my day-to-day life without them. Everything from work to everyday household tasks became impossible. When I wanted to die, I had to go on prescriptions. Counseling is working for me - it took some time to find the right one, but I finally have someone I feel is helping. I also work out quite a bit to help keep my endorphins flowing. I need to physcially keep moving to stave off depression.

6 Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn't been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?

Very important. Within 1 week of a c-section I was walking 1 mile per day. I gradually built up my strength to 4 miles daily and have been consistent for 10 months now. I am not lifting the way I used to yet, but being physically active and getting physcially fit has helped me feel stronger and more able to cope. It doesn't hurt when you can fit back into your old clothes and at least 'feel' normal on the outside.

7 If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?

If I could change anything, it would be my infertility. I have struggled to get pregnant for many years, Kara being my first child. Everything else is under my control - my weight, my body image, etc. to some degree. I can run harder, eat less, look better. I can't control my own body's inability to produce healthy eggs. This is the one thing I would change. It still wouldn't make me at peace with this babylost state, because my daughter would still be dead. Nothing can make me at peace with that.